school + music monday II

SCHOOL

well yall school started and idk if anything gonna change this year... i mean i will try. u know i have newer better friends and a bit of confidence now- i wont let these hoes fuck my future up and wont leave the ppls i care about alone. so yh im here im fucking back and thats all. also according to my friends i had a glow up over the summer?? omg yall thats like crazy (tho i really had one) but its not like im a fine shyt rn its more like i got rid of that chopped ass haircut and finally have clothes that a decent human being would put on their body. anyways. oh my god after i wrote this idk wtf just happened but i had this wave of uncertanity again thinking about the future - what if i die and its all for nothing or the world collapses and society ceases to exist as we know it today? and idk why i just had this feeling again. anyways thats about school. ALSO SORRY FOR BEING INACTIVE THIS WEEK I WAS JUST REALLY STRUGGLING.

MUSIC MONDAY YALL

kay so this week of mine was litterally full of music as i was just litterally so afraid of starting school and stuff but yeah we are here and my taste hasnt changed a lot since last week. there are new songs different songs but idk if i will have any new artists or genres. anyways lets stop the yappery and get into it.

jewels n' drugs by lady gaga ft t.i. n too $hort

i listened to this one a lot. its basically about rejecting materialism and taking love so that she'd rather want fun and love over money. okay now this isnt me but i just like the sound of the song like im litterally so materialistic but yhhhh. cool song worth checking out. the song is on artpop (2013) which i talked about last time but im going to talk about it again cuz i just explored more tracks on it. 

venus by lady gaga 

this song is about sexuality and love, a common theme in lady gaga's music. its not named venus by coincidence. if u paid attention during history lessons u know that venus is the roman goddess of love. its weird cuz in artpop mythology and sexual themes are pretty common. anyways its a very weird song, experimental, not at all radio friendly and thats all i gotta say about this one.

jealous type and need to know by doja cat

this is a new release pretty popular too its basically about being jealous in ur relationship. yeah. need to know is about attraction and love too but i like that one a bit more idk. 

the hills by the weeknd 

this one is prob the most popular of all the releases here. yeah its about... idk listen to it. im tired of writing so much. artpop is like a deeper album and more interesting TF IMMA WRITE ABOUT THESE.

i wont even embed the spotify whatever here cuz many of yall use apple music or other services anyways and im just lazy.

okay i also listened to many songs that i also talked about last time. something i still really like is sexxx dreams by gaga idk... its just so... different and explores themes of true love and like im in a catholic school but never had anything against people with different sexual orientations and its just such a special song. then also g.u.y. and remember how we talked about mythology in artpop? g. u. y. starts by referencing gods and whatever. idk. thats all thank yall for reading <3

music monday

 hey yall i decided that on mondays im going to share what i listened to during the week so yh this the list. also i will write about the songs/albums/artists

1. one word by kelly osbourne.

so yh we are starting with a weird one. this song (made by ozzy osbourne's daughter r.i.p.) is.... idk def a weird one. i guess it talks about comunication and the complexities of human desire. "silence tells me all i need to know" blablabla. its also about the concept of madness and what really solidifies this is not only a few lines, but that shortly after the song's release the singer was litterally in rehab. this was released in 2005 and it sounds a lot like that too. like i just downloaded it onto my ipod ahahahaha. anyways great song, worth listening to it.

2. bad romance by lady gaga

this timeless masterpiece needs no introduction (i hope) thats why i wont be talking about it that much. its basically about being in a shit relationship but also wanting to fuck but like its... like A BAD ROMANCE. u know, the title. also released in the late 2000's. fav part is defienetely the "walk walk fashion baby" then the "i want your love and i want your revenge i want your loveeee I DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS" and then the rest but thats part french. anyways yh, good song.

3. ARTPOP also by lady gaga

so artpop is a special entry here becuase its an album. okay also theres a song on the album titled after the album but this is about the whole album. released in 2013 artpop was defienetly the lowest part of lady gaga's career. it was too edgy, experimental and except for like 1 or 2 promotional singles NOT AT ALL RADIO FRIENDLY. the album explores themes of sexual desire, sex, physical intimacy and a bit more sex so its basically about sex and love but more about sex. okay i'd be lying if i'd say that because we also talk about fashion, fame, applause, materialism and stuff like that. its edgy, its risky and a bold move by gaga after releasing two banger, giant albums such as the fame monster and born this way. but also, its even better when it comes to aging. honestly, there are many 2010's elements but it just aged pretty well overall. here are tracks i love on the album:

sexxx dreams: its about gaga having a sex dream about one of her friends. so like u know. pretty simple to explain but really good song.

applause: its about gaga loving to be in the spotlight. period.

donatella: tribute track to the one and only donatella VERSACE 💜 iykyk

fashion: about fashion

artpop: love

g.u.y.: girl under you. thats litterally what g.u.y. stands for. ive got nothing else to say

MY FAVORITE OF THE ALBUM 👑

while not being officially on the album, this single was intended to be on there, but unfortuanatly a collaborator (r. kelly) was a bit contreversial so was removed of the album. now theres a christina aguilera version on streaming.

Do What U Want. its about being in love but not wanting to give ur mind or ur heart to them because theyd just break it, and instead ud get physical. "you cant have my heart and you wont use my mind but do what u want with my body..." while also having real feelings for them.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

envy the leaves by madison beer.

party 4 u by charli xcx

skin the collaboration remix by madonna

cry for me by the weeknd

john wayne by lady gaga

okay yall thats it thx for reading <3

friendship between boys and girls

 hey yall recently i started hanging out with a friend group filled with niceeee people and really they are just so nice and stuff but also recently it got a lot more complicated and its basically u know i hate all those "bro" kindof people like fuck u hoe i aint gonna be friends with u. the ones that believe in the "simple balkan life" the ones that dont wipe their ass. IF THIS IS U LEAVE!!!! now where im from a big part of the male population is litterally that so u know i have more female friends then male ones. u know i still have a few male friends but not a lot tbh. so i get all this shit from people thinking that im gay or that i just want to get a girlfriend this way so thats so annoying. but anyways neither of those are the case. so yeah like a few months ago i started hanging out with lets refer to them as A, F, M, later also K, and then even later G. now also that super short asshole is also in the friendgroup but i already talked about that b so lets not this time cuz i just dont want to. so i became really good friends with F shes a really nice person. then idk with K tbh but shes a nice person too. same with M, we are pretty good friends too. and then there was A. now A is this very nice girl but she has this bitch ass boyfriend whos super jealous and basically she said that he doesnt let us hang out together because of him. but hes like a nightmare bf hes litterally swears at her all the time and basically treats her like shit. but they have a really good relationship tho since A really loves him obv, to put up with all of that but she not only puts up with it shes completely okay with it. i was completely okay with it too. anyways 3 days ago they called me to meet him btu basically we didnt even talk and i was totally ignored but i met G instead whos like a nice person and stuff. i only interacted with her bf once and it wasnt too friendly but overall he wasnt as hostile as i expected him to be. so yeah i thought shit was going well and i had a great time with G and M, it was so fun and stuff. so next day i wouldve had tennis lessons but it started raining so they didnt like do it. so then m and g asked me to hang out and I WAS LITTERALLY SO HAPPY CUZ I DIDNT HAVE SHIT TO DO. but then they were like oh maybe we should meet up later bcuz we are going to the library first and then i said id like to go to the library but they insisted. it was kindof confusing and a bit sad but i was like okay. then hours and hours passed and all they ended up saying was ooh we gotta go home and we cant meet and im sorry I WAITED 8 HOURS FOR THEM. i was obviously mad and sad and since i just felt really alone and i thought ive found ppl tht are like genuine friends it was a terrible feeling. next day they were like oh we feel bad so how about we meet today. im like okay but i told them if they dont wanna hang out im good they dont have to but they insisted and said they wanted to and its not just that they feel bad. anywa
ys so they wrote this 11am. then AT 7PM THEY ASKED ME TO MEET. and i met them and there was A who they didnt even mention before and it was so obvious that they were hanging out for hours and it was such a bad feeling and it was so obvious that A didnt want me to come so he wouldnt be mad at his boyfriend and she even mentioned it once BUT ANYWAYS AND THEY WERE LIKE THE OGS AND I CAME IN THE FRIENDGROUP LATER AND SO APPERANTLY IM IN THE WRONG BUT NOOOOOOO anyways who am i to like fuck their friendgroup up but fr? like atleast be honest or something. anyways so i had a total mental breakdown like im talking crying for 3 hours straight but then F called me and we talked a bit but not really about that but yeah atleast i had something else to think about. but the positive part was that cocoa (my cat) got in my lap when i was crying. anyways so im so sad and this is why friendship between boys and girls WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME (lets not talk about the fact that once i met all 3 of their mothers at once and all 3 of them ignored me and i could never go to a sleepover with them and they do it all the time AND ITS JUST TERRIBLE WHY ISNT THERE A NORMAL PERSON THATS IN MY FUCKING GENDER anyways so im going to eat now thanks for reading.

writing music, inspiration, 2 weeks left, anxiety, short ass bitch, my goals

 hello.

so as some of yall might know i havent been posting recently and im sorry about that. well, atleast this post will be juicy. anyways so yeah this is like multiple posts combined...

short ass bitch, my goals

kay so yall know how i always talk about that fucking asian looking short b thats the most annoying person there is on the planet. and really no one notices except for me how entitled, calculated and manipulative he is? he really insulted me so many times that i just hate him now ngl and i tried being friends with him on multiple occasions blablabla its crazy. and lets not even talk about using random "professional" words in context that they dont make sense in, trying to look like some kind of genius. like one time he said "im partitioning the cells of a vhs virus" like what? anyways hes back at it again. i wanted to ask my friendgroup tonight to play amongus, this bitch was already there and idk i cant really tell u why hes a bitch unless u know him but actually, he has this... innocent physical apperance. very short, very asian full cheeks looking like a 5yo boy. so yeah idk but they are playing rn and im writing this and i know i have big expectations when it comes to loyalty and lets not even talk about the fact that im litterally the only one who noticed this about him BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A NICE PERSON TOO until lately. anyways yeah. now about my goals ive been working out a lot lately so i guess a preferable physical apperance and health. eating better, thats something ive been doing too lately. then financial independence, degree, drivers license, stable income (not in hungary) idk how thats relevant but ive been thinking about it lately

writing music, inspiration

so ive been learning fl studio lately and actually, im getting better at it. so recently i started writing new music too - havent been doing that for a long time. and i was inspired by lady gaga's album artpop. so yeah i want to make a new debut single on a different name. and why will this be different? this production im working on will be so much more professional, layered, bettered that it will be crazy. its just really good and its going really great. so yeah i will have an artpop inspired debut single. crazy. but the weeknd's records inspired me too. so i was thinking about a pop-rnb song with hints of classic madonna production. anyways so whenever im writing music or making it im so immersed i just dont think of anything else. im going to do that a lot from now on.

2 weeks left, anxiety

okay so theres only 2 weeks left from the summer break and im litterally freaking out. i feel anxious again, have my panic attacks and just feel this endless anger. i really dont want to go back but i have to and it kills me ngl. i hate the teachers the rooms all the fake people in my class all being so kind and warmhearted towards eachother only to talk shit about eachother behind everyones back. i wish i could go in there and be like a ghost that they dont even notice... but its never that. i remember that feeling - when the teacher asks you, u reply wrong and she starts this personal rant. last time at the end of the year my biology teacher said everyone's year end grades happily but when it came to mine she said " b but you dont deserve it" or something similar but basically the same thing and i cant do that i cant go back, let them use me as a rug and then smile and thank them for teaching me. i dont wanna go. but this is what i say each year then i go and nothing happens. and lets not even talk about whenever i go in there, i worry about my apperance so much. but i dont care usually. or i mean i do my hear i dress up nicely but all the teachers asking me "omg have ive been eating enough" u fucking hoe yes i have been bitch im not starving im just skinny like why cant they just let me live in peace. whatever. 

okay thats all for today i have a story time post prepared for tomorrow anyways thanks for reading

von dutch (the story of my super toxic friend and me)

 kay so yall know my super toxic friend? now buckle in cuz this about to be long. so i switched schools once when i was in second grade and unintentionally i got into the same class as someone i knew in kindergarten. like we werent big or good friends, we never really even talked, but in a class full of strangers he was the one that was the closest to a friend for me. so i started talking to him and we became friends pretty quickly. although it wasnt a smooth ride that got us there - for example i never really played video games until i met him, and i started playing roblox with him. so he choose this game where we had to rob and steal stuff and then we played it together. when i left to do whatever i had to i was shocked to find out that her mother called my parents telling them i was teaching him to steal and become a criminal. her mother started bullying me basically and it was crazy, she thought her little child was this innocent angel and i was sent from the devil to corrupt him or probably some stupid shit like that. if only she had known his true form. so thats how this friendship started to become toxic. then lets skip ahead - he had a family that seemed perfect, the ideal physical form, really not a single worries while i was in the worst place in my entire life, hating my life each and every day and sometimes when i tried talking to him in a serious tone somehow it always went to the "u have no idea how rough i have it" kay yeah perfect form, supportive big sister, mother that litterally bullied me thats how hard she wanted to protect u despite u constantly treating her like shit - so i started despising him... but then stuff happened. i started going to tennis i started to take up my true form that is what i write in right now i started to mix my native language with english as a change in my writing style, even starting tennis. and he always critized me for all of it. said starbucks is gay, tennis is not a real sport, started critizising me for bringing a backpack to hangouts even and then a year went buy and he started going to startbucks, trying out tennis, basically typing in the same style using the same emojis. he even bought the same phone i had, and when i switched he switched too to the same one... started coming with backpacks to hangouts. and he was basically just so much better in every way and i was super insecure so it was terrible. anyways right now hes buying the same headphones i have and stuff idk i might be delulu and im probably am but yeah. thx for reading oh update this bitch just texted me "should i get the airpods max instead" and like gurl thats litterally my dream headphones but like i so not give a fuck bitch and hes acting like im his advisor and its some kindof privilidge like GO AND FUCK YOURSELF U FUCKING BITCH GO HOME INTO UR PERFEXT ASS NETFLIX FAMILY HOUSHOLD TO YOUR SUPPORTIVE SISTER AND UR FUCKING MOTHER WHO LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING WITCH BTW (but she does i had nightmares with her when i was like 12) anyways fuck this bitch and thx for reading 

being unhappy, not honest, hanging out with friends

 (before reading this i want u to know this aint no goodbye just the chapter of honesty, and yall still helped me so much and i will continue staying here and writing) i have this weird feeling in my stomach as writing this... so weird. i know i wrote that i wont write today but yet i find myself writing these lines. im listening to party 4 u by charli xcx and its litterally at the bridge part so yeah that might add something to it.  anyways so i just realized that i owe lots of people with the truth here, which is the fact that this whole thing did not turn out as i wanted it to. i wanted this to be a place for my uncensored thoughts being said without consequences yet i find myself thinking about what other would think about my post or if this would help others when im litterally the one i wanted to help but failed. i dont have the capacity. its like being tired endlessly and each line i write or each new person on the server i welcome i just drain myself. but that doesnt change the fact that im glad people find eachother and help eachother there its just not what i need. god ive been writing for what felt like an eternity and yet im still 10th line... crazy. anyways so i'll stay and i'll do this whole server thing but i just thought that i owed people the truth so yeah, im still like glad its just... idk. this place isnt what i intended it to be. infact i had a first post like two pages long which was supposed to be the first post but i didnt post it... also now i have people from my real life here which is another thing i shouldnt have done. anyways so thats the truth, but i will continue to do this cuz ultimately the feeling of helping others kinda helps me too. also i was hanging out with my friends today and had a great time. yeahhhhhh thats it <3

faq + thx for 500 views

 hi so i got many questions about the stuff i write, and i always wanted to answer them but instead i waited for enough of them to pile up so i could write about it here

1. how old r u?

now idk why ppl are asking this randomly, like asking it in a dm wont change the fact that i dont wanna say my age 

2. do you ever regret what you post? 

well yeah, thats why i remove like every second post of mine 😭

3. do you think you are a bad person?

kinda but like not in a way of like doing crimes and stuff, im just kindof uncensored and impulsive so in that way...

4.  why did you delete your post about the public meltdown

featured too much personal info + many people started hating me after, which was a pretty bad situation since i made this whole thing to put my uncensored thoughts out there so it feels pretty bad when i have to delete a post like that when the litteral point of this whole thing is for me to talk about the stuff i cant

5. why don’t you just talk to the people instead of posting about them?

they dont listen, it would be awkward and would solve nothing cuz if someone is a bitch (like one of the bad kinds) then they cant change that because i said "hey could u not be a bitch?"

6. whats with the cats

im gonna be honest with u i have no idea wtf u are talking about... whats with them? 😭

kay guys, thats all thx for asking and reading <3