HOW I DEAL WITH ANXIETY PT. 1.:

i realized that i havent made a post dedicated to this and this sortof changed overtime as i made this community. anxiety is such a big challange for me, and it sortof returned in these previous couple of months. which is why im glad that this community feels like refuge for me yet again because there were times when it did not. i think also over time you become somewhat partially immune to anxiety, which i know sounds dumb but is true in my opinion. so i often lay down listening to the ying yang self meditation by charlotte adigéry which i have embeded in my blog SO MANY TIMES already but if u dont know what it is you can look it up. i listen to the instrumental and talk to myself like charlotte does. also if i cannot just lay down and relax i just while whatever im doing just making myself sure. finding solutions for myself. that its gonna be alright. this is the most powerful method. also if you can, just go home, take a big bath, get cleaned up and feel cozy and safe. surrounded by people you love. maybe your cat? comfort foods? this is how i deal with anxiety. so lets say you get really really bad anxiety and you are free so you can go wherever. this is what id do: tell yourself how its gonna be okay why whatever you fear will not happen, why its not true and why you dont have to worry about it. also i forgot this previously but SCALE IT DOWN. you wont die from it, your life will continue which you can always change. get home, take a big bath, eat, listen to whatever you like, cozy up. although i have had a very different aproach previously. i took a regional bus, traveled out an hour to the middle of nowhere, walked out to a field, and layed down with my headphone on. that worked too. the fact that the sun wasnt shining also helped a lot.

also dont laugh at me but for me, this song does anti anxiety wonders. once i will write about how i got to know this song

well thanks for reading, pride month music friday special coming tmrw <3

summer! being threatened on the street and almost robbed, losing all my aura, health

 huh. its that time of the year... shorts, beach, parties. just being wild and feeling the wind blowing through the individual strands of your hair while you listen to the most basic mainstream summer pop song in your headphones. an unsuspecting person walks by and you flash a smile, because its summer. summer is when you thrive physically mentally sexually and spiritually. ofcourse they smile back at you because its the season of endless positivity, when noone has to do anything (that is if you don't have a job atleast, but even employed people take vacations, breaks and go to parties). that is if you are a "normal" person. me on the otherhand, i sweat all the time, i hate having to wear shorts and i never do because of my skin condition, hate going to the beach because i dont wanna be naked and when you look at all these problems it all just comes down to one, and its my looks. also that wind i was talking about earlier, its nonexistent here. did yall hear about the nino thing that everything is gonna be really fucking hot this year? well i think i can already feel it. i'd kill to be able to wear a hoodie rn. anyways lets talk about me. so my skin is getting better, i got some good medications, its gonna be great in theory. now i was on the street alone at night i was hanging out with this girl, you guys i probably already wrote about her in all the complicated friendgroup stuff. so we were drinking feeling great, everything was really good till i had to go home. like 3 guys and 2 girls sit next to me in the bus stop they start bothering me talking to me and then taking an object that i will not talk about because its a bad thing bad for your health and yeah. point is they ask if they can borrow it im like sure then they go "this is mine now" and im like "nooo please give it back" and then they are like "no" and then their girlfriends are like "give it back to him" so they give it back to me but they talk shit about me like oh "should i spit on him" and stuff like that. then when they gave it back to me they are like oh i shouldnt let myself be an easy target and i should stand up for myself and stuff like that. anyways i cant really decide if by the end they had a change of mind and started feeling sorry for me or smth. it was really fucking bad. okay also i have like massive anxiety because the girl i hanged out with, we had a call when i told her this whole thing and she hasnt called me back since and shes been in call with a messy person who is pretty evil since then and she prob saw our ig story and idk i wonder what she mightve said.maybe about me. well thats it for today thx for reading

also i just noticed that there happened some ui changes around here in blogger which is great cuz im pretty sure its the first time since like twothousand and fucking nine but actually blogger is a pretty active place, there are still hundereds of millions of posts made every month and a lot of blogs and people still use it and decide to sign up. especially now that the old 2000's feel of some of the themes came back. i know i love blogger. my next post is gonna be a thorough review of confessions II by madonna which is coming out in a couple of days and u should totally presave, preorder it and stream the singles that are already out, buy them on itunes, amazon music, wherever, watch the videos, blabla.cya 

my anxiety is back, the biggest disappointment this year, community renessaince?

how long has it been since i was writing casually like this? huh. its really crazy because just as i was writing this my anxiety sortof toned down haha. i forgot how much these posts actually helped me. should i start with the good or bad? lets start with the bad haha. so my anxiety is back and its pretty bad. i think its sortof because of this friendship that i had. it was this very nice person and it was pretty complicated too because she was part of a friendgroup that i was part of but firsts they hated eachother and then blablabla its such a long story. point is we were like "oh were duos" like every single day and she was so nice to me and then she switched up on me and she barely even looked at me and its honestly heartbreaking. sometimes i realize that all these friendships i force on myself are not because i need friendships. its because if you dont have friendships everyone looks at you like a weirdo and stuff. and maybe forcing myself in this is not the best idea because i just cant be the bigger person im too tired for that and ive been to tired for that for such a long time. that im the one who should forgive and im the one who people can laugh at and shit its so fucking exhausting honestly and the weird thing its litterally just those couple of friends who do this to me not even the people i dont know and  its so messed up or idk. but you guys already know about all that. tho i mightve deleted those posts im not sure honestly. well yeah. on the other hand my dermatologist said we can start real treatment you know, needles and taking blood and shit so thats great, i feel like i should be happier about it but i struggled so much that i sortof need this now and it doesnt feel like luxury or optional or something im lucky to get it seems essential. on the other hand there have been new people joining and the mc server is active again so thats cool, but i still dont feel like mental health is in focus. if you read this, dont be afraid to ask for help, thats what its for.

come with me

 when i feel like i need to leave the world either in a bad way or a good way, with someone or without someone, theres one spot i always go to. this post will be a small journey. get comfortable, put on some music (preferably what i will put right here as a recommendation click here for it also theres another song at the very end of the post) and imagine that i am guiding you through my secret spot where i seek shelter when im in crisis. though i make it sound like me coming here is an occasion even though i visit every single day. in this day of age we are all so connected but not, and the connection that we sometimes form through the internet is malicious. sometimes thats true for connections in the real world. we are at the point of this post where i really hope u are listening to the recommended instrumental, as it is what i am listening to right now (already at 2:12 when typing these letters) and these can really help transfer the emotions and the feelings that i feel while typing these sentences and words. like i was saying many of these connections end in betrayal, disappointment, and even worse, rage. unfortunately i experience a lot of these. sometimes im being copied, or sometimes just annoyed. but we all have to remember, how complicated the human body is, and we are all living and breathing miracles. this is the place noone will try to take from me, and i am sharing it with you all <3 this is the place where i can take refuge from all of these malicious connections and often just events with noone behind them, just the universe pulling the strings. enough talking now, lets begin.  

by this point you mustve seen the first picture, which is at night, even thought most of these wont be at night. i tried to keep it coherent, but i just couldnt skip the very first stop, which is this bridge. i always have to walk by it, as a railroad is seperating me from my "place of refuge". i need to climb a flight of stairs then climb down also, but its not that big of a deal, sometimes i even enjoy looking over the traintracks, especially if something is coming. in this place i have felt so many feelings. anxiety, like taking the final steps for an achivement, and i even smoked here. im going to dive a bit into smoking here because i will try to write a bit about everything. i barely smoked when this picture was taken, and i only did for the feeling of dizziness and this weird feeling nicotine gave me, which it gives when your body doesnt adapt to it. i guess thats one of the things that saved me from addiction, that i didnt want my body to be immune to that. when i look at this picture, i feel safety, power, and self control. i hope you feel it too.

 

 

 the photo you are looking at is one of the two photos that werent taken on the same day as the others. and were already over the main part of the railway tracks. where we are going will be next to sidelines branching off the main tracks so dont be confused. the cat you see is one of many living in this place, probably a family since they are all black. they remind me of cocoa, so when i see them i often interupt my journey to go to a nearby supermarket and feed them. these cats were also the cover of my very first, and pretty bad ambient ep. they inspired me as a person, and as an artist if i can call myself that. when im looking at this picture i feel helplessness, but also a willingness from me to help, and positivity. after all many of us struggle with similar issues and seek comfort in eachother, while catfood is just really really cheap, helping out someone is actually free. i also feel regret because often i refuse help or refuse to give it. but thats how people work. try to do as much good as you can to balance the scale. knowing that the scale is in the direction of good will help you, even without thinking about what comes after life. by this time i had to restart the song i was listening to but you probably read faster than how i paste pictures and write text. 

 

that trail is it. the journey already gives comfort by the way, but this is my favorite part. by the way now might be late to mention that i ALWAYS have my headphones on, or im not alone. actually i was wrong, this picture also wasnt taken on the day as the couple that come, that day being today. when im looking at this picture i feel the fruit of suffering and work. not that im comparing the previous journey to suffering, i just need a picture i can associate the progress i made physically and mentally so i can write about it. my skin is getting better, my dermatologist is so helpful and im hopeful and sortof happy i guess? it doesnt really last but we will see. i also have love going on so yay for me. this makes me think about how sexualized and appearance oriented todays is. even with all this positive stuff, anxiety is just always in the back of my mind. but lets focus on two words here: (these inspired my latest ep)

 

progress

 

hope  

 

 

 

 

'

 

lets circle back to one of those words. actually two hahaha. the reason im writing this is this picture. when i saw this building i immediately had so many thaughts: whats inside? what was it used for? is there a basement or anything? how old is it? i had this weird plan to buy it, just from a couple of days ago. hope. but i quickly realized that there are two problems:

 

• i dont have the money
• its not for sale 

 it will take progress and determination. now ofcourse when we make up our mind about something like this, chances are slim we might actually pull it off. still, treat it like its GOING TO HAPPEN. by the way the song restarted for the second time for me.

determination

power 

 

'

the picture im using is funny, because the im going to write about the flower barely visible. but dont worry, there will be a couple of pictures of the cats and also this flower at the end of this post, and also an expanded version of this picture, i just found it that my phone takes prettier pictures when its zoomed and i find this prettier. when i saw this beautiful flower i felt sad. at first i didnt understand why, then i quickly realized that its the thaught of its unavoidable death. so i decided to immortalize it here. actually this picture is the real reason im writing this. this was the purpose of this and it became so much more for me. even if noone reads this it will be something to look back at and i just feel better, im struggling to find a highlightable word for this text. closure?

 i ran out of pictures. haha i was so in this weird state that i just couldve kept going. well here comes the cat pictures and the flowers and stuff. if you read this long, im honestly so thankful and i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did. 

bonus song
 

merry christmas pt 2

 okay at first this was: why i think none of it matters cuz its soon the end of the world or the system we are used to and its still there but i wont post it cuz it has like conspiracy theories and stuff and idk why but my hands are so exhausted rn.ughksksksksksk.okay well lets get into it but im not even sure i can write this rn. specifically my left hand is so tired i litterally have to put my palm on the body of the keyboard and i never type like that. anywaysss

1. duty free guys stuff in duty free is sooooooooooo expensive and they dont even got shit there no food, no nothing?? only all those sugary sweets that i already cant eat, and they always do smth big like putting them up in pyramid shape. like foodporn. and when u try to get out of there at first u r like oh, i gotta get water, but oh i will prob need atleast three which is alread 6 euros but if i already spent 6 i mightaswell spend 4 more on some cool traditional dried saussage chips that are in cool paper bags, but i mean im already at 10 im gonna need smth sweet too right? and when u get to the cashier u already have 3 giant chocholate bars, an industrial sized ferrero whatevertheycallthosechocholateballs, and all sortsof bullshit. and the fact that the burger king upstairs has elevated prices too....

2. attention seeking oh my god the fact that we got to this IMSOHAPPY attention seeking is the most disgusting thing ever it always fucks me up like, leaving a community for example is a possible way to attention seek and this already happened like once or twice and then what im gonna dm u and beg u to come back? remember short ass bitch? he was the king of attention seeking he did this in real life while we were hanging out with f and m and oh i just got sad :c. but he was always like hey i gtg then begun to walk away and then we were like no dont go or said he was gonna go but after a while we were like okay go. and then he was like oh nvm. disgusting.

3. being formal now im great at being formal thats why some of my teachers like me cuz im always formal but i hate it so much its like so hard for me even tho im great at it. whotf wants to press shift atleast 1 times in a sentence, possibly more and who am i to not use a curse word in every second sentence of mine?

4. the fact that i just ran out of what i hate look im always full of hatred and now that id somewhat like write smth about it AND OH I JUST GOT THE BEST THING

5. POOR PERSONAL HYGINE SHOWER. BRUSH YOUR TEETH. DEODORANT. ATLEAST GET A PIECE OF GUM OR DIE. NO THIS... WHEN SELFISH FUCKASS BITCHASS PEOPLE MAKE ME THROW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKASS BITCHASS STREET. AND DEFINITELY DONT

6. SIT  NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS look i always go for the 2 single seats in the front of the bus. but what if not available? u guys know howmuch i love being on buses listening to shit right? BUT WHEN SOMEONE. SITS. TO. ME. its not even that bad when they arent rude or scary but WHEN THEIR HYGINE IS BAD AND THEY SMELL AND I SUFFOCATE AND MY HEAD ALWAYS STARTS TO HURT. CAN YALLS HEAD HURT FROM PURE DISGUST?  ONCE THIS HAPPENED TO ME THEN TWICE THEN 3 TIMES AND THE THIRD TIME ON THE SAME BUS THATS HOW U KNOW THAT LINE IS CURSED. DO U KNOW WHAT I DID THE THIRD TIME? LITTERALLY JUMPED OVER THE SEAT INFRONT OF ME AND PRESSED THE EMERGENCY BUTTON MID ROAD AND RAN THE FUCK OFF.

well thats it for this post yall i love yall and yeah thx for readinggg <3

i just wrote a post but its terrible and i dont wanna write this but i want a well written post that i can post does that make any sense?

hi. im just gonna write down my realtime toughts. my previous scrapped post was about unpopular opinions and why i dont think any of this matters cuz the world is ending cuz of privacy dying, sociatal colapse as ai takes physical form and intelectual jobs are endangered too, so is art, war and stuff. but that all goes without saying. but my mood is so fucked up right now because i look like im fucking decomposing. my skin is so disgusting and atleast i could have like an ideal bodytype or personality but i cant really like jump around people and pretend that i like them only when i really gotta and then it doesnt matter anymore cuz they know its forced. i mean sometimes i can but im not as calculated as all these other bitches. also someone just left the community but tbh, if this place really didnt matter to them then oh well, and if he only left for attention then oh well too.. i might go out tomorrow night outside the city into the city area. theres this place i will maybe place pictures. i wanna spend the night there. just me. and peace and quiet and... idk. maybe it would break a cycle cuz im still in all the cycles i was in during the last post i wrote. also im super weird cuz im always LISTENING to series. like im listening to s4 episode s19 41:30. btw i always write these stuff to make this as immersive as possible if for any reason someone would want to experience what im experiencing now. i mean thats just me being weird again. im at 44:05 rn. I HATE CAL. SO DISGUSTING. AS LITTLE AND AS GROWN. HATE THE CHARACTER HATE THE ACTORS. FINALLY HE DIED FINALLY THE LAST EPISODE WILL BE WITHOUT HIM YES! he already came close to dying 2 times and once a character i loved died for him. oop the episode just ended, let me post this and then start watching it bye yall edit: im not giving yall the picture about where i wanna spend tomorrow night cuz yall could id me :/ anyways love yall <3 also ive been posting a lot nowdays right?

merry christmas

 okay guys im gonna be totally honest with yall and write down everything thats totally wrong with me:

1. i am very numbers oriented  so this is a totally weird thing about me that i see a random artist's spotify page and then i check where their career is and then feel bad if their numbers are decreasing or their new releases didnt cut their top 5. also i totally know that there are 1900 and smth views on the blog and 183 ppl and oh my god i just snaped out of it. all it took is putting my left leg up the chair like sitting in some weird position like i always do but scraping the side of my knee with my toenail right at the same time as my mother shouts at me that my keyboard is too loud. wow, writing down my real time toughts really help

2. im a bad person but like im not gonna say rn that omg im such a bad person i hate myself cuz i dont hate myself but i am one and thats a fact. now how do i know im a bad person

• i hate kids
• im jealous of ppl who have it even slightly better then me
• i have CRAZY anger issues and mood swings they are litterally so bad its so bad.
• i always start these massive projects like my record label and cloud storage + solutions company that i probably wont finish and oh my fucking god she just shouted at me again and what makes this just like the previous snapping out? the discomfort of scraping my skin is now replaced by being very fucking thirsty lemme grab a glass of water brb
• kay i got my glass of water and now i cant find the sitting position i was in again and my mother she keeps talking to me and bothering me i cant rn im about to have a breakdown its just that stuff are so expensive and i cant break them
• im very materialistic
• lack of empathy 
• so unserious and often my toughts and opinions are outside of the mainstream or the norm

3. guys this is so bad how is it good for society that ppl are so formal i feel like dying rn im not even joking i just want to post this unfinished just like this rn and want yall to react to it like yall do to anything else and this feels like breaking the 4th wall and really its all just an act do yall really think that im in my mind and im just like how i show myself here and write down my darkest toughts? nvm i got the inspiration to write back 

4. im not just ugly inside but outside too  i mean like dont imagine someone disgusting and my hair is kinda good nowdays but im litterally so skinnyyyy i guess prob my face is like the only accaptable thing cuz i got alr portions i guess but i need teeth correction stuff. and i mean im active and stuff but im only noticing minor changes. atleast im not short thats good. also i have that skin condition im trying to fix its really bad. and the only reason im trying hard with my physique so when i get rich and famous and sell my soul to the devil i wont need as much of plastic surgery as the others <3

5. i think im better then everyone tho im not sure nowdays, but really everyone does that but oh my god i fucking hate the ppl that think the world revolves around them

6. i had smth in mind for 6 but im too tired idk now

7. i am so desperate and weird yall know auchan? yep the store. i love going there idk why. also its in somekindof industrial zone. i just love that place. its my emotional support place. also please tell me am i the only one that cant share their darkest toughts? bye yall now i know this is the time that i will have ideas about what more to write but oh well. merry christmas. if i could just break the cycle somehow. i break many cycles im in but not the most important ones. but theres always time im not sure tho. bye yall now <3 

its been a long time. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. music friday

 well, i cant believe it. if u are reading this that means I FINALLY POSTED SMTH? long time... the last 50 ppl that joined prob dont even know the blog exist hahaha. oh well. so much has been going on. idk if im going on the way up or just standing in one place but i know im trying. i still didnt get over the whole friendship thing but it seemed easy for them. but whatever... i dont even know what im writing about i just still feel so tired and scared and those are the two best words to describe what im feeling. and anger. i just... sometimes cant symphatize with people and you know how i always said i have this "my problems dont matter cuz other people have bigger problems" mentality in me cuz of my parents? and how much i hate it cuz my problems matter? well thats how ive been feeling towards other people with what i classify as smaller problems. and im just jealous. i cant help it. and then one of these ppl is my friend what do i do? pretend symphaty? idk. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. a depressing one too. christmas is material. im material. whats the problem then. well that im totally broke guysss i cannot continue this life like this im trying to go up maybe its just too slow i mean i detect a few changes but they are so minor i just need a sign that im going in the right direction is that so much to ask for? 

music friday

guys the listening party was so cool. im so glad it happened. for this post i came with a curated playlist of the best of the songs i recommended here and ones i havent cuz the posts got scrapped. + the other playlist with yall's recommendations. love ya <3 

read when i die if u wanna

 oh well, i guess this happened. im not really sure at the time im writing this how or why but maybe you do.

how do u know i died? well maybe i said im dying. maybe i was inactive for a month? idk.

skip here if i died of health stuff

not suprised tbh... tho i tried being very healthy eating very healthy being active i really dont see the difference i still feel like shit and i guess this is really unfair cuz i think what really for a human is the conditions and the circumstances of everyday, the experiences. so if i became a bad person then thats because of that and that stands for every bad person who doesnt have brain problems. if i didnt become a bad person then what did i do to deserve this? gotta say its scary writing all of this down because... what if this is to be read one day? i hope not, its not the way i wanna go.

skip here if i was murdered

a bit more suprised but i always knew im reckless, didnt know it would get to this point tho. lets hope it was for a good cause atleast or i got smth out of it until i was alive. that would be like the only saving grace.

skip here if i died of an accident

the tought of everything ending just from one second to the other is so.. i dont even want to think about it. but maybe this one is the fastest option here.

skip here if none / u already read the whatever 

i always think what if what i do is all for nothing? and why do i think of stuff like this when im probably not at greater risk of dying then any person i see on the streets. well i have no idea and it scares me. maybe the answers are in spirituality and i know something i shouldnt but i dont. i just hope if one of these happen soon, then i wasnt on the way back up. i guess its not even the idea of everything ending is whats scary but the process, pain, what could lead up or how could it feel? what would i leave when im not there to defend whats mine what i love and myself. and what comes after? this might sound totally weird, infact it is but yall gave me purpose for a small amount of time. this place was kindof the one thing i had to do for like 2 months and it kindof saved me. at the time of writing this i have stuff going on but then... it was so bad. but it still is. idk if i got over f and m and the other hoes that fucked stuff up, i guess its not that big of a deal, only for me but its so weird how i dont wanna force a smile at them but its just automatic its so bad. it wasnt even like that or anything i just really needed them and i dont think they have any idea how much it has hurt me. oh my god whats going to happen to cocoa? shes like prob the only person that will be said that i left. but u know, this is something else that sounds very dumb and creepy but we made plans. if in the otherworld its possible the meet we will meet at the tallest place's talest point where we can get to. if its not possible we will just imagine eachothers presence at 12am and pm. weird right? but i just cant imagine life without her. growing up with her the only constant and sure thing i had is that i'd come home and she'd be waiting for me. also if i can leave a few ideas of mine to stay then u should make sure that u think of other ppl as u do about yourself, they are not just npc's like in some game. this sounds totally weird from me since i totally hate everyone thats not me but yeah... also i made sure to add if u wanna cuz i dont wanna suggest that everyone in there wants to read the shit i wrote like they care about me but if u read this idk... thank u.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0sxxrpZIP4Ds6T41dVKkox?si=d4e28592be5e4aaf ive been listening to this + the next songs + the one before that while writing this

THE LOWEST POINT OF MY LIFE JUST GOT LOWER remember F, M and A? the new nice friendgroup i was included in? they just told me im hypersensitive and we are NO LONGER FRIENDS

 okay well yall who am i lying to this was something i expected a long time ago but... idk i guess i never really thought about it. this day has been such an emotional rollercoaster cuz that one time M and F left the trio groupchat i knew something was up but i was still like "oh hey are we okay?" thinking that it musnt be that bad. well i was obviously very wrong as my phone buzzed with a text message and these are going to be actual quotes (only some of them so the dialogue might seem weird, different messages are seperated by -) blue is sent by me, orange is sent by F

heyy - everything ok? - why did you leave "trio"? - well i dont know its weird that you made peace with G (also known as short ass bitch who i wrote about previously) im not mad bot nowdays M is like this towards you but this is not good that in school you are just standing there and i dont wanna do this so M left and so did i.

now i didnt write about this because i just didnt want to think of it but my personal experience is that im like some sort of lower class person in the friendgroup who eversyone can just shout with and treat like shit like it got to the point where people started asking me why im following them when they clearly dont give a fuck about me and i'd go into details but i really dont want to. why they think it was weird that i made piece with G is that i just really hated him and i let them know that i really hated him but they litterally asked me to make up with him so i did and now they are finding it weird which i understand on a level but i just told them that i litterally did it for them

well i litterally made up with him cuz yall have been asking me for like 1000 years - but whatever - and again- ok, i dont have the energy for this - then i guess this was good, who am i just standing there because of, in math class u were the one who litterally asked me why i had to sit there, summer was good but i guess we werent friends enough for you to sit next to me during math class - what - dave im sorry but you are litterally acting like a girl - who doesnt have the energy for this, i was always some kind of last person in the friendgroup and in my experiences it was terrible for me, if you think i wanted this then im sorry -

...

but litterally you get offended at whatever we tell you - yeah and if you were in the same position as me, yall are always telling me this what if i wouldve been offended by [something she's been offended by] - and i cant get offended when yall are litterally shouting with me getting me to sit to another place in school where ive sit for always just because you felt like it and me having to sit with a random person - or that [someone] hated me - or that M made fun of my skin condition which i told her it was a big problem for me - what if it was your problem she'd made fun of?  (highlighted cuz this hurt) - if just because we have different genders i gotta endure this then...

now i wont give yall anything more but then in the next messages she tells me that A had a reason to shout with me like all the time until i had to back off cuz everyone was looking at me AND I KNOW SHE DIDNT BECAUSE WHEN I TOLD OTHERS THE REASON WHEN THEY ASKED ME THEY WERE LIKE IT WAS PROBABLY A JOKE but it wasnt. AND THEN SHE BLAMES ME FOR BEING HATED BY THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE BECAUSE "I NEVER STAND UP FOR MYSELF?" then other stuff theres so much more but litterally in the beggining of the year i was the only one who didnt sit next to someone in the group because we had an uneven number and that one person was litterally the ex biggest enemy of F who somehow just mattered more then how i felt despite them knowing that i dont wanna sit next to someone else..... and me making up with G was... really i thought they would be glad but this is it, the lowest point of my life just got lower bye i will write about the hampster incident later 

PLEASE WRITE YOUR OPINIONS, I NEED THEM

why are you here? / music monday

hi. so i feel like recently we kindof lost focus of mental health so i made a a place u can anonymously write why r u here. i mean like... if u are okay or whats your story if you wanna share it. i will publish these in another post... so anyways thats all and hope u r okay <3

https://forms.gle/ZTz2c6UchQHF14tD9

MUSIC MONDAY

well i dont really have inspiration to write right now so i'll just get to the point

gnarly

okay so if u love kpop and charli xcx or brat or this sort of very electronic pop / dance then this for you. this is basically the one song brat. i absolutely LOVE THIS.

gabriela

this song is basically the new jolene. its about gabriela and she wants the performer's partner. anyways i love how its sounds and reminds me of jolene.

bittersweet

idk this is just a new release by madison beer and i love it. i mean its just one of these usual end of relationship whatever songs but yeahh...

i know there weren't many serious songs or one's that i could write a lot about like its meaning, message blablabla but ive been listening to songs for their sounds nowdays more then for the lyrics. anyways yeahhh so thanks for reading <3

music monday, why i couldnt pay attention to the minecraft server and the usual

yall i know im late again whatever. i dont even know if anyone reads this anymore so if u do then like give me a sign cuz yeah idk ive been missing so many posts that id litterally understand why noone cares.

so what should we begin with? stuff that i write in every post or music monday. if you dont care you can skip this but i just realized im the same person that people like step on and i cant let that happen i wont care how many friendships its going to take cuz real ones will understand THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT HOE. anyways than theres this certain person that gives me the most mixed signals ever and really is just such an asshole anyways. ALSO ive been studying A LOT. working on my future i think? anyways yeah, thats what i will do after this post: learn physics. so far im at a b avarage cuz i missed a week of school and was behind on everything and i litterally had to learn like 6 subjects in the previous 3 days.

MUSIC MONDAY (late yet again, i should replace monday with something else but i wont)

STUFF YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO (now)

1. she's not me by THE QUEEN OF POP MADONNA (there wasnt a bigger font)

I JUST WANNA BE THERE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING NEXT TO YOUR NEW LOVER. YALL HAVE THAT ONE FRIEND THAT COPIES YALL THEN THIS SONG IS FOR YOU (i have that one friend too tho we are both male so this song doesnt really apply BUT STILL IM LIKE I RELATE HOE) 

God Control by Madonna (TW gun control) 

You know that its serious when i type like a normal human being. actuaally, no i cant continue this but this song is a really serious one and i recommend listening to it. it not only blends being experimental with the 80's disco vibe, its a new era of the queen of pop bringing awareness to something new and i was just... i remember when my life was with this album MADAME X and i will write a post about it probably... but if its not obvious its about gun control and its not something i can relate to because its a way bigger issue in the US but it still talks to me and not only the lyrics its just how can someone 35 years into their career at the time release something so new and different and i dont even know what to say. YES, I WILL FINISH LEARNING AND WRITE THE POST ON MADAME X! i recommend this album idk yes there are cringe parts but i think its worth it. okay i rethinked it and not sure about the madame x post now but we will see.

 1. born this way by lady gaga

also sorry for the disgusting color choises i have no idea how to undo it this looked cool in my head

THIS ONE IS FOR ALL THE GAY, LESBIAN, BI WHATEVER PEOPLE IN THE COMMUNITY (cuz i know theres a lot of that in there) and like this is such  a good song. too bad she copied it off madonna's express yourself  cuz yall should look up the lady gaga-madonna beef she even copied her this year with the concert in rio and i just feel so bad listening to gaga. anyways GREAT SONG its about accaptance and lgbtq stuff and like saying u were born this way and u shouldnt feel bad for having sex with man or women or anything inbetween <3

friendship between boys and girls

 hey yall recently i started hanging out with a friend group filled with niceeee people and really they are just so nice and stuff but also recently it got a lot more complicated and its basically u know i hate all those "bro" kindof people like fuck u hoe i aint gonna be friends with u. the ones that believe in the "simple balkan life" the ones that dont wipe their ass. IF THIS IS U LEAVE!!!! now where im from a big part of the male population is litterally that so u know i have more female friends then male ones. u know i still have a few male friends but not a lot tbh. so i get all this shit from people thinking that im gay or that i just want to get a girlfriend this way so thats so annoying. but anyways neither of those are the case. so yeah like a few months ago i started hanging out with lets refer to them as A, F, M, later also K, and then even later G. now also that super short asshole is also in the friendgroup but i already talked about that b so lets not this time cuz i just dont want to. so i became really good friends with F shes a really nice person. then idk with K tbh but shes a nice person too. same with M, we are pretty good friends too. and then there was A. now A is this very nice girl but she has this bitch ass boyfriend whos super jealous and basically she said that he doesnt let us hang out together because of him. but hes like a nightmare bf hes litterally swears at her all the time and basically treats her like shit. but they have a really good relationship tho since A really loves him obv, to put up with all of that but she not only puts up with it shes completely okay with it. i was completely okay with it too. anyways 3 days ago they called me to meet him btu basically we didnt even talk and i was totally ignored but i met G instead whos like a nice person and stuff. i only interacted with her bf once and it wasnt too friendly but overall he wasnt as hostile as i expected him to be. so yeah i thought shit was going well and i had a great time with G and M, it was so fun and stuff. so next day i wouldve had tennis lessons but it started raining so they didnt like do it. so then m and g asked me to hang out and I WAS LITTERALLY SO HAPPY CUZ I DIDNT HAVE SHIT TO DO. but then they were like oh maybe we should meet up later bcuz we are going to the library first and then i said id like to go to the library but they insisted. it was kindof confusing and a bit sad but i was like okay. then hours and hours passed and all they ended up saying was ooh we gotta go home and we cant meet and im sorry I WAITED 8 HOURS FOR THEM. i was obviously mad and sad and since i just felt really alone and i thought ive found ppl tht are like genuine friends it was a terrible feeling. next day they were like oh we feel bad so how about we meet today. im like okay but i told them if they dont wanna hang out im good they dont have to but they insisted and said they wanted to and its not just that they feel bad. anywa
ys so they wrote this 11am. then AT 7PM THEY ASKED ME TO MEET. and i met them and there was A who they didnt even mention before and it was so obvious that they were hanging out for hours and it was such a bad feeling and it was so obvious that A didnt want me to come so he wouldnt be mad at his boyfriend and she even mentioned it once BUT ANYWAYS AND THEY WERE LIKE THE OGS AND I CAME IN THE FRIENDGROUP LATER AND SO APPERANTLY IM IN THE WRONG BUT NOOOOOOO anyways who am i to like fuck their friendgroup up but fr? like atleast be honest or something. anyways so i had a total mental breakdown like im talking crying for 3 hours straight but then F called me and we talked a bit but not really about that but yeah atleast i had something else to think about. but the positive part was that cocoa (my cat) got in my lap when i was crying. anyways so im so sad and this is why friendship between boys and girls WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME (lets not talk about the fact that once i met all 3 of their mothers at once and all 3 of them ignored me and i could never go to a sleepover with them and they do it all the time AND ITS JUST TERRIBLE WHY ISNT THERE A NORMAL PERSON THATS IN MY FUCKING GENDER anyways so im going to eat now thanks for reading.

writing music, inspiration, 2 weeks left, anxiety, short ass bitch, my goals

 hello.

so as some of yall might know i havent been posting recently and im sorry about that. well, atleast this post will be juicy. anyways so yeah this is like multiple posts combined...

short ass bitch, my goals

kay so yall know how i always talk about that fucking asian looking short b thats the most annoying person there is on the planet. and really no one notices except for me how entitled, calculated and manipulative he is? he really insulted me so many times that i just hate him now ngl and i tried being friends with him on multiple occasions blablabla its crazy. and lets not even talk about using random "professional" words in context that they dont make sense in, trying to look like some kind of genius. like one time he said "im partitioning the cells of a vhs virus" like what? anyways hes back at it again. i wanted to ask my friendgroup tonight to play amongus, this bitch was already there and idk i cant really tell u why hes a bitch unless u know him but actually, he has this... innocent physical apperance. very short, very asian full cheeks looking like a 5yo boy. so yeah idk but they are playing rn and im writing this and i know i have big expectations when it comes to loyalty and lets not even talk about the fact that im litterally the only one who noticed this about him BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A NICE PERSON TOO until lately. anyways yeah. now about my goals ive been working out a lot lately so i guess a preferable physical apperance and health. eating better, thats something ive been doing too lately. then financial independence, degree, drivers license, stable income (not in hungary) idk how thats relevant but ive been thinking about it lately

writing music, inspiration

so ive been learning fl studio lately and actually, im getting better at it. so recently i started writing new music too - havent been doing that for a long time. and i was inspired by lady gaga's album artpop. so yeah i want to make a new debut single on a different name. and why will this be different? this production im working on will be so much more professional, layered, bettered that it will be crazy. its just really good and its going really great. so yeah i will have an artpop inspired debut single. crazy. but the weeknd's records inspired me too. so i was thinking about a pop-rnb song with hints of classic madonna production. anyways so whenever im writing music or making it im so immersed i just dont think of anything else. im going to do that a lot from now on.

2 weeks left, anxiety

okay so theres only 2 weeks left from the summer break and im litterally freaking out. i feel anxious again, have my panic attacks and just feel this endless anger. i really dont want to go back but i have to and it kills me ngl. i hate the teachers the rooms all the fake people in my class all being so kind and warmhearted towards eachother only to talk shit about eachother behind everyones back. i wish i could go in there and be like a ghost that they dont even notice... but its never that. i remember that feeling - when the teacher asks you, u reply wrong and she starts this personal rant. last time at the end of the year my biology teacher said everyone's year end grades happily but when it came to mine she said " b but you dont deserve it" or something similar but basically the same thing and i cant do that i cant go back, let them use me as a rug and then smile and thank them for teaching me. i dont wanna go. but this is what i say each year then i go and nothing happens. and lets not even talk about whenever i go in there, i worry about my apperance so much. but i dont care usually. or i mean i do my hear i dress up nicely but all the teachers asking me "omg have ive been eating enough" u fucking hoe yes i have been bitch im not starving im just skinny like why cant they just let me live in peace. whatever. 

okay thats all for today i have a story time post prepared for tomorrow anyways thanks for reading

being unhappy, not honest, hanging out with friends

 (before reading this i want u to know this aint no goodbye just the chapter of honesty, and yall still helped me so much and i will continue staying here and writing) i have this weird feeling in my stomach as writing this... so weird. i know i wrote that i wont write today but yet i find myself writing these lines. im listening to party 4 u by charli xcx and its litterally at the bridge part so yeah that might add something to it.  anyways so i just realized that i owe lots of people with the truth here, which is the fact that this whole thing did not turn out as i wanted it to. i wanted this to be a place for my uncensored thoughts being said without consequences yet i find myself thinking about what other would think about my post or if this would help others when im litterally the one i wanted to help but failed. i dont have the capacity. its like being tired endlessly and each line i write or each new person on the server i welcome i just drain myself. but that doesnt change the fact that im glad people find eachother and help eachother there its just not what i need. god ive been writing for what felt like an eternity and yet im still 10th line... crazy. anyways so i'll stay and i'll do this whole server thing but i just thought that i owed people the truth so yeah, im still like glad its just... idk. this place isnt what i intended it to be. infact i had a first post like two pages long which was supposed to be the first post but i didnt post it... also now i have people from my real life here which is another thing i shouldnt have done. anyways so thats the truth, but i will continue to do this cuz ultimately the feeling of helping others kinda helps me too. also i was hanging out with my friends today and had a great time. yeahhhhhh thats it <3

august is coming bitch 😭 fuck school: 4 reasons we hate school

okay so hi: i deleted the long introduction but ive like put it at the end of the post. basically august is coming, hating school is a more and more popular theme on the server and i only have 1 month left from my break, so this is a pretty relevant theme right now: why we hate school (update COMMENT YOUR REASON TOO, IF U HATE SCHOOL CUZ I WANNA KNOW <3)

1. not being comfortable in general. 

so i just dont feel comfortable, because how we are seated is our tables are like for two people so you gotta sit next to someone right? well that someone is randomly selected (selected by the teacher) and i always have some poor hygiene ass bitch sit next to me. like one picks their nose and then eats it. other one acts like taking a bath is luxury. disgusting, i just CANT.

2. teachers

okay... so why does one want to be a teacher? for the pay? NO. for teaching kids? SOMETIMES! bcuz they are fucking losers who have absolutely no power in the real world so they live out being power hungry by legally controlling our life for a few years? YES!!! i have anxiety because of teachers, they are always super personal, and i hate EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. like this teacher at the end of fourth grade got angry at me because I DIDNT SIT NEXT TO HER ON A FIELD TRIP. SHE WROTE ME SOME CREEPY ASS MESSENGER TEXT, DELETED POSTIVE STUFF OR COMPLIMENTS. thats how my anxiety started. then in 5th and 6th grade teacher saw that i was struggling SO THEY CALLED IN MY PARRENT AND THREATENED TO ALERT AUTHORITIES. now why you might ask BECAUSE I WAS GETTING C's AND WAS SKINNY. LIKE I HAD THIS OTHER SKINNY CLASSMATE WHO WAS ARGUABLY SKINNIER THEN I WAS CALLED MARCI BUT HE WAS SHORTER SO THE ILLUSION WAS LIKE "OH HE ISNT THAT SKINNY" AND I WAS THE ONE PICKED ON BY TEACHERS. so like 6th grade was LITTERAL HELL. anyways thats all for the second reason.

3. pressure

so we go into school and, learn and THEN HAVE TO LEARN AT HOME TOO. RIGHT? WRONG! WE HAVE TO LEARN AT HOME TOO THEN WE GET HOMEWORK TOO. THAT MEANS BASICALLY DOUBLE THE WORK AND IF SOMEONE HAS TO LEARN SOMETHING BECAUSE GUESS WHAT: MAYBE THEY DONT GET IT THEY EVEN HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK WHICH RESULTS IN THEM LOOKING IT UP AND SKIPPING THE ACTUAL LEARNING PART WHERE THEY'D ACTUALLY GET THE KNOWLEDGE FROM. also your whole life kindof depends on your schoolwork so thats fucked up and the fact THAT TEACHERS TAKE POOR PERFORMANCE, NOT HAVING HOMEWORK PERSONALLY JUST ADDS TO THE PRESSURE. 

4. not giving a fuck

i personally think it would make a lot more sense if basic stuff like writing, multiplying, adding up, divinding, reading wouldve been teached at home and then we could go into school AND LEARN WHAT BASIC KNOWLEDGE WE NEED FROM A SUBJECT TO GET INTO THE PREFERED UNIVERSITY BECAUSE THEN I'D LEARN STUFF I ACTUALLY NEED OR WANNA LEARN. also you'd be like BUT OMG WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO GET A SECOND DEGREE AND NOT IN THE SAME FIELD? they go back to school, like some reschool or whatever or THEY LEARN IT THEMSELVES AND THEN TAKE SOME KINDOF TEST. thatd make a shit ton more sense wouldnt it? 

anyways thats it for todays post, thx for reading <3

 scrapped intro: hi guys. so august is coming and i think i already have posts about how i feel about school but many of them had to be deleted bcuz of the whole sensitive info thingy. and 1 month is all i have left of the summer break so lets celebrate that by talking about my problems and other people's problems with school. also recently not going to school or being pressured by school has been a pretty popular thing weve talked about on discord so yeah, i feel like this is a relevant theme. so  before i go into the theme theres this asshole in groupchat of my friendgroup and omg im so done with him like hes litterally the reason i cant write shit there or talk about how i feel or what i need. i mean its not like i'd dump shit on them but being able to communicate with them more honestly would be a lot lot better. also one more thing, ive been seeing real activity on the server recently that i dont need to be involved in! people are supporting each other and thats just what i wanted!! so yeah, im just really happy about that. okay lets get into the theme: why i hate school, why others hate school:

took a break, so sorry... update on my current stuff

 hey guys, im back, and i wasnt active on the blog or on the community and its completely my fault but this will change as i promised rn. so quick update, and why i wasnt like available:

idk, i was exhausted mentally and i just really couldnt talk or smth cuz it was my brain shut down. my irl friends kinda disappointed me cuz i was kinda looking for someone like me thats like screwed up and hates people for no reason and stuff (or i mean lots of reasons but lets not get into details) and i just couldnt so yeah im like too screwed up to have a match

and i feel so guilty for leaving many of the people that were reading this and seeking help on the server behind, and it wont happen again, not if i can help it.

fun fact, ive got no half sibling on the way so atleast i wont be like totally broke and yall know how material i am, or i mean not really cuz i took many of the other posts down because of how much info they had that couldve got me into trouble. and i know i said i'll put them back, but i wont because the censored versions basically contain little to no info or message that i was like trying to give to the readers.

anyways this is a change, a new era, and i'll continue like i began this community / blog

oh and also LARRY 😍❤️

meeting up with friends, working out, insecurities, silence between songs

 hey guys. today has been an eventful day, and probably one of the greatest i had in a long time. i mentioned that friend group that has that one unwanted person in it... well we just hanged out and he didnt come, and i felt really good ngl. i also met another person called kata, shes a pretty nice person. we had lots of fun. although i had this commitment like a week ago that i'd work out every day and... well i didnt. anyways [removed part about insecurities] anyways i also discovered this album called silence between songs like a week ago by madison beer and ive been listening to it non-stop... its really great. anyways back to my insecurity,i feel so bad that i might actually work out today and tomorrow and actually try from now on. only sometimes i forget and break my streak and lose courage... anyways i'll do it right after i finished this episode of the witcher (the last one) and i might not so if u see this and read this please dont stop bothering me until i work out😭 thx for reading <3

(edit)

i never thought of madison beer as an artist, but this album changed my perspective about her work.

FUN FACT:  i just realized that this blog is basically unviewable from a  smartphone. like not unviewable but u have to like move the page so it fits ur screen, sry about that. a web designer recently joined our server, hope she doesnt see this lol.

also, silence between songs cover looks really cool... it just gives me a nice feeling too... idk... 

talking about my mental health fr this time...

 you know it pretty funny how despite this being a mental health blog ive been talking a lot about everything else and only a bit about mental health... so here i am actually sharing how i feel to people... i have great difficulty with opening up cuz it feels like attention seeking... i didnt even recognize my problems a few months ago i just lived with them... but now i feel differently... sometimes i wish people would just notice. to go into details i have anxiety, panic attacks and just feel really lonely. despite having friends none feel like i can open up to them... anyways i might go into detail later why i feel how i feel but yeah, thx for reading. also u can comment if u click on the title of the post and scroll down which i only recently found out so yeah i encourage yall to do so!!