how long has it been since i was writing casually like this? huh. its really crazy because just as i was writing this my anxiety sortof toned down haha. i forgot how much these posts actually helped me. should i start with the good or bad? lets start with the bad haha. so my anxiety is back and its pretty bad. i think its sortof because of this friendship that i had. it was this very nice person and it was pretty complicated too because she was part of a friendgroup that i was part of but firsts they hated eachother and then blablabla its such a long story. point is we were like "oh were duos" like every single day and she was so nice to me and then she switched up on me and she barely even looked at me and its honestly heartbreaking. sometimes i realize that all these friendships i force on myself are not because i need friendships. its because if you dont have friendships everyone looks at you like a weirdo and stuff. and maybe forcing myself in this is not the best idea because i just cant be the bigger person im too tired for that and ive been to tired for that for such a long time. that im the one who should forgive and im the one who people can laugh at and shit its so fucking exhausting honestly and the weird thing its litterally just those couple of friends who do this to me not even the people i dont know and its so messed up or idk. but you guys already know about all that. tho i mightve deleted those posts im not sure honestly. well yeah. on the other hand my dermatologist said we can start real treatment you know, needles and taking blood and shit so thats great, i feel like i should be happier about it but i struggled so much that i sortof need this now and it doesnt feel like luxury or optional or something im lucky to get it seems essential. on the other hand there have been new people joining and the mc server is active again so thats cool, but i still dont feel like mental health is in focus. if you read this, dont be afraid to ask for help, thats what its for.
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