HOW I DEAL WITH ANXIETY PT. 1.:

i realized that i havent made a post dedicated to this and this sortof changed overtime as i made this community. anxiety is such a big challange for me, and it sortof returned in these previous couple of months. which is why im glad that this community feels like refuge for me yet again because there were times when it did not. i think also over time you become somewhat partially immune to anxiety, which i know sounds dumb but is true in my opinion. so i often lay down listening to the ying yang self meditation by charlotte adigéry which i have embeded in my blog SO MANY TIMES already but if u dont know what it is you can look it up. i listen to the instrumental and talk to myself like charlotte does. also if i cannot just lay down and relax i just while whatever im doing just making myself sure. finding solutions for myself. that its gonna be alright. this is the most powerful method. also if you can, just go home, take a big bath, get cleaned up and feel cozy and safe. surrounded by people you love. maybe your cat? comfort foods? this is how i deal with anxiety. so lets say you get really really bad anxiety and you are free so you can go wherever. this is what id do: tell yourself how its gonna be okay why whatever you fear will not happen, why its not true and why you dont have to worry about it. also i forgot this previously but SCALE IT DOWN. you wont die from it, your life will continue which you can always change. get home, take a big bath, eat, listen to whatever you like, cozy up. although i have had a very different aproach previously. i took a regional bus, traveled out an hour to the middle of nowhere, walked out to a field, and layed down with my headphone on. that worked too. the fact that the sun wasnt shining also helped a lot.

also dont laugh at me but for me, this song does anti anxiety wonders. once i will write about how i got to know this song

well thanks for reading, pride month music friday special coming tmrw <3

summer! being threatened on the street and almost robbed, losing all my aura, health

 huh. its that time of the year... shorts, beach, parties. just being wild and feeling the wind blowing through the individual strands of your hair while you listen to the most basic mainstream summer pop song in your headphones. an unsuspecting person walks by and you flash a smile, because its summer. summer is when you thrive physically mentally sexually and spiritually. ofcourse they smile back at you because its the season of endless positivity, when noone has to do anything (that is if you don't have a job atleast, but even employed people take vacations, breaks and go to parties). that is if you are a "normal" person. me on the otherhand, i sweat all the time, i hate having to wear shorts and i never do because of my skin condition, hate going to the beach because i dont wanna be naked and when you look at all these problems it all just comes down to one, and its my looks. also that wind i was talking about earlier, its nonexistent here. did yall hear about the nino thing that everything is gonna be really fucking hot this year? well i think i can already feel it. i'd kill to be able to wear a hoodie rn. anyways lets talk about me. so my skin is getting better, i got some good medications, its gonna be great in theory. now i was on the street alone at night i was hanging out with this girl, you guys i probably already wrote about her in all the complicated friendgroup stuff. so we were drinking feeling great, everything was really good till i had to go home. like 3 guys and 2 girls sit next to me in the bus stop they start bothering me talking to me and then taking an object that i will not talk about because its a bad thing bad for your health and yeah. point is they ask if they can borrow it im like sure then they go "this is mine now" and im like "nooo please give it back" and then they are like "no" and then their girlfriends are like "give it back to him" so they give it back to me but they talk shit about me like oh "should i spit on him" and stuff like that. then when they gave it back to me they are like oh i shouldnt let myself be an easy target and i should stand up for myself and stuff like that. anyways i cant really decide if by the end they had a change of mind and started feeling sorry for me or smth. it was really fucking bad. okay also i have like massive anxiety because the girl i hanged out with, we had a call when i told her this whole thing and she hasnt called me back since and shes been in call with a messy person who is pretty evil since then and she prob saw our ig story and idk i wonder what she mightve said.maybe about me. well thats it for today thx for reading

also i just noticed that there happened some ui changes around here in blogger which is great cuz im pretty sure its the first time since like twothousand and fucking nine but actually blogger is a pretty active place, there are still hundereds of millions of posts made every month and a lot of blogs and people still use it and decide to sign up. especially now that the old 2000's feel of some of the themes came back. i know i love blogger. my next post is gonna be a thorough review of confessions II by madonna which is coming out in a couple of days and u should totally presave, preorder it and stream the singles that are already out, buy them on itunes, amazon music, wherever, watch the videos, blabla.cya 

my anxiety is back, the biggest disappointment this year, community renessaince?

how long has it been since i was writing casually like this? huh. its really crazy because just as i was writing this my anxiety sortof toned down haha. i forgot how much these posts actually helped me. should i start with the good or bad? lets start with the bad haha. so my anxiety is back and its pretty bad. i think its sortof because of this friendship that i had. it was this very nice person and it was pretty complicated too because she was part of a friendgroup that i was part of but firsts they hated eachother and then blablabla its such a long story. point is we were like "oh were duos" like every single day and she was so nice to me and then she switched up on me and she barely even looked at me and its honestly heartbreaking. sometimes i realize that all these friendships i force on myself are not because i need friendships. its because if you dont have friendships everyone looks at you like a weirdo and stuff. and maybe forcing myself in this is not the best idea because i just cant be the bigger person im too tired for that and ive been to tired for that for such a long time. that im the one who should forgive and im the one who people can laugh at and shit its so fucking exhausting honestly and the weird thing its litterally just those couple of friends who do this to me not even the people i dont know and  its so messed up or idk. but you guys already know about all that. tho i mightve deleted those posts im not sure honestly. well yeah. on the other hand my dermatologist said we can start real treatment you know, needles and taking blood and shit so thats great, i feel like i should be happier about it but i struggled so much that i sortof need this now and it doesnt feel like luxury or optional or something im lucky to get it seems essential. on the other hand there have been new people joining and the mc server is active again so thats cool, but i still dont feel like mental health is in focus. if you read this, dont be afraid to ask for help, thats what its for.

its been a long time. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. music friday

 well, i cant believe it. if u are reading this that means I FINALLY POSTED SMTH? long time... the last 50 ppl that joined prob dont even know the blog exist hahaha. oh well. so much has been going on. idk if im going on the way up or just standing in one place but i know im trying. i still didnt get over the whole friendship thing but it seemed easy for them. but whatever... i dont even know what im writing about i just still feel so tired and scared and those are the two best words to describe what im feeling. and anger. i just... sometimes cant symphatize with people and you know how i always said i have this "my problems dont matter cuz other people have bigger problems" mentality in me cuz of my parents? and how much i hate it cuz my problems matter? well thats how ive been feeling towards other people with what i classify as smaller problems. and im just jealous. i cant help it. and then one of these ppl is my friend what do i do? pretend symphaty? idk. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. a depressing one too. christmas is material. im material. whats the problem then. well that im totally broke guysss i cannot continue this life like this im trying to go up maybe its just too slow i mean i detect a few changes but they are so minor i just need a sign that im going in the right direction is that so much to ask for? 

music friday

guys the listening party was so cool. im so glad it happened. for this post i came with a curated playlist of the best of the songs i recommended here and ones i havent cuz the posts got scrapped. + the other playlist with yall's recommendations. love ya <3 

school + music monday II

SCHOOL

well yall school started and idk if anything gonna change this year... i mean i will try. u know i have newer better friends and a bit of confidence now- i wont let these hoes fuck my future up and wont leave the ppls i care about alone. so yh im here im fucking back and thats all. also according to my friends i had a glow up over the summer?? omg yall thats like crazy (tho i really had one) but its not like im a fine shyt rn its more like i got rid of that chopped ass haircut and finally have clothes that a decent human being would put on their body. anyways. oh my god after i wrote this idk wtf just happened but i had this wave of uncertanity again thinking about the future - what if i die and its all for nothing or the world collapses and society ceases to exist as we know it today? and idk why i just had this feeling again. anyways thats about school. ALSO SORRY FOR BEING INACTIVE THIS WEEK I WAS JUST REALLY STRUGGLING.

MUSIC MONDAY YALL

kay so this week of mine was litterally full of music as i was just litterally so afraid of starting school and stuff but yeah we are here and my taste hasnt changed a lot since last week. there are new songs different songs but idk if i will have any new artists or genres. anyways lets stop the yappery and get into it.

jewels n' drugs by lady gaga ft t.i. n too $hort

i listened to this one a lot. its basically about rejecting materialism and taking love so that she'd rather want fun and love over money. okay now this isnt me but i just like the sound of the song like im litterally so materialistic but yhhhh. cool song worth checking out. the song is on artpop (2013) which i talked about last time but im going to talk about it again cuz i just explored more tracks on it. 

venus by lady gaga 

this song is about sexuality and love, a common theme in lady gaga's music. its not named venus by coincidence. if u paid attention during history lessons u know that venus is the roman goddess of love. its weird cuz in artpop mythology and sexual themes are pretty common. anyways its a very weird song, experimental, not at all radio friendly and thats all i gotta say about this one.

jealous type and need to know by doja cat

this is a new release pretty popular too its basically about being jealous in ur relationship. yeah. need to know is about attraction and love too but i like that one a bit more idk. 

the hills by the weeknd 

this one is prob the most popular of all the releases here. yeah its about... idk listen to it. im tired of writing so much. artpop is like a deeper album and more interesting TF IMMA WRITE ABOUT THESE.

i wont even embed the spotify whatever here cuz many of yall use apple music or other services anyways and im just lazy.

okay i also listened to many songs that i also talked about last time. something i still really like is sexxx dreams by gaga idk... its just so... different and explores themes of true love and like im in a catholic school but never had anything against people with different sexual orientations and its just such a special song. then also g.u.y. and remember how we talked about mythology in artpop? g. u. y. starts by referencing gods and whatever. idk. thats all thank yall for reading <3

august is coming bitch 😭 fuck school: 4 reasons we hate school

okay so hi: i deleted the long introduction but ive like put it at the end of the post. basically august is coming, hating school is a more and more popular theme on the server and i only have 1 month left from my break, so this is a pretty relevant theme right now: why we hate school (update COMMENT YOUR REASON TOO, IF U HATE SCHOOL CUZ I WANNA KNOW <3)

1. not being comfortable in general. 

so i just dont feel comfortable, because how we are seated is our tables are like for two people so you gotta sit next to someone right? well that someone is randomly selected (selected by the teacher) and i always have some poor hygiene ass bitch sit next to me. like one picks their nose and then eats it. other one acts like taking a bath is luxury. disgusting, i just CANT.

2. teachers

okay... so why does one want to be a teacher? for the pay? NO. for teaching kids? SOMETIMES! bcuz they are fucking losers who have absolutely no power in the real world so they live out being power hungry by legally controlling our life for a few years? YES!!! i have anxiety because of teachers, they are always super personal, and i hate EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. like this teacher at the end of fourth grade got angry at me because I DIDNT SIT NEXT TO HER ON A FIELD TRIP. SHE WROTE ME SOME CREEPY ASS MESSENGER TEXT, DELETED POSTIVE STUFF OR COMPLIMENTS. thats how my anxiety started. then in 5th and 6th grade teacher saw that i was struggling SO THEY CALLED IN MY PARRENT AND THREATENED TO ALERT AUTHORITIES. now why you might ask BECAUSE I WAS GETTING C's AND WAS SKINNY. LIKE I HAD THIS OTHER SKINNY CLASSMATE WHO WAS ARGUABLY SKINNIER THEN I WAS CALLED MARCI BUT HE WAS SHORTER SO THE ILLUSION WAS LIKE "OH HE ISNT THAT SKINNY" AND I WAS THE ONE PICKED ON BY TEACHERS. so like 6th grade was LITTERAL HELL. anyways thats all for the second reason.

3. pressure

so we go into school and, learn and THEN HAVE TO LEARN AT HOME TOO. RIGHT? WRONG! WE HAVE TO LEARN AT HOME TOO THEN WE GET HOMEWORK TOO. THAT MEANS BASICALLY DOUBLE THE WORK AND IF SOMEONE HAS TO LEARN SOMETHING BECAUSE GUESS WHAT: MAYBE THEY DONT GET IT THEY EVEN HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK WHICH RESULTS IN THEM LOOKING IT UP AND SKIPPING THE ACTUAL LEARNING PART WHERE THEY'D ACTUALLY GET THE KNOWLEDGE FROM. also your whole life kindof depends on your schoolwork so thats fucked up and the fact THAT TEACHERS TAKE POOR PERFORMANCE, NOT HAVING HOMEWORK PERSONALLY JUST ADDS TO THE PRESSURE. 

4. not giving a fuck

i personally think it would make a lot more sense if basic stuff like writing, multiplying, adding up, divinding, reading wouldve been teached at home and then we could go into school AND LEARN WHAT BASIC KNOWLEDGE WE NEED FROM A SUBJECT TO GET INTO THE PREFERED UNIVERSITY BECAUSE THEN I'D LEARN STUFF I ACTUALLY NEED OR WANNA LEARN. also you'd be like BUT OMG WHAT IF SOMEONE WANTS TO GET A SECOND DEGREE AND NOT IN THE SAME FIELD? they go back to school, like some reschool or whatever or THEY LEARN IT THEMSELVES AND THEN TAKE SOME KINDOF TEST. thatd make a shit ton more sense wouldnt it? 

anyways thats it for todays post, thx for reading <3

 scrapped intro: hi guys. so august is coming and i think i already have posts about how i feel about school but many of them had to be deleted bcuz of the whole sensitive info thingy. and 1 month is all i have left of the summer break so lets celebrate that by talking about my problems and other people's problems with school. also recently not going to school or being pressured by school has been a pretty popular thing weve talked about on discord so yeah, i feel like this is a relevant theme. so  before i go into the theme theres this asshole in groupchat of my friendgroup and omg im so done with him like hes litterally the reason i cant write shit there or talk about how i feel or what i need. i mean its not like i'd dump shit on them but being able to communicate with them more honestly would be a lot lot better. also one more thing, ive been seeing real activity on the server recently that i dont need to be involved in! people are supporting each other and thats just what i wanted!! so yeah, im just really happy about that. okay lets get into the theme: why i hate school, why others hate school:

reading my posts back while rewriting them, my anxiety

 so as you know, i recently took all the like deeper posts down to censor sensitive information... but reading them back was... well an experience. some i just cant believe i posted. maybe its positive? like looking at myself in a new way? idk. i didnt read the posts before just posted. didnt even go over them. i guess you could say i was pretty reckless, sharing so much personal info on here, and i just couldnt let it stay... i think its my anxiety. anyways thanks for reading...