me and mental health and cats and life: May 2026

how long has it been since i was writing casually like this? huh. its really crazy because just as i was writing this my anxiety sortof toned down haha. i forgot how much these posts actually helped me. should i start with the good or bad? lets start with the bad haha. so my anxiety is back and its pretty bad. i think its sortof because of this friendship that i had. it was this very nice person and it was pretty complicated too because she was part of a friendgroup that i was part of but firsts they hated eachother and then blablabla its such a long story. point is we were like "oh were duos" like every single day and she was so nice to me and then she switched up on me and she barely even looked at me and its honestly heartbreaking. sometimes i realize that all these friendships i force on myself are not because i need friendships. its because if you dont have friendships everyone looks at you like a weirdo and stuff. and maybe forcing myself in this is not the best idea because i just cant be the bigger person im too tired for that and ive been to tired for that for such a long time. that im the one who should forgive and im the one who people can laugh at and shit its so fucking exhausting honestly and the weird thing its litterally just those couple of friends who do this to me not even the people i dont know and its so messed up or idk. but you guys already know about all that. tho i mightve deleted those posts im not sure honestly. well yeah. on the other hand my dermatologist said we can start real treatment you know, needles and taking blood and shit so thats great, i feel like i should be happier about it but i struggled so much that i sortof need this now and it doesnt feel like luxury or optional or something im lucky to get it seems essential. on the other hand there have been new people joining and the mc server is active again so thats cool, but i still dont feel like mental health is in focus. if you read this, dont be afraid to ask for help, thats what its for.

when i feel like i need to leave the world either in a bad way or a good way, with someone or without someone, theres one spot i always go to. this post will be a small journey. get comfortable, put on some music (preferably what i will put right here as a recommendation click here for it also theres another song at the very end of the post) and imagine that i am guiding you through my secret spot where i seek shelter when im in crisis. though i make it sound like me coming here is an occasion even though i visit every single day. in this day of age we are all so connected but not, and the connection that we sometimes form through the internet is malicious. sometimes thats true for connections in the real world. we are at the point of this post where i really hope u are listening to the recommended instrumental, as it is what i am listening to right now (already at 2:12 when typing these letters) and these can really help transfer the emotions and the feelings that i feel while typing these sentences and words. like i was saying many of these connections end in betrayal, disappointment, and even worse, rage. unfortunately i experience a lot of these. sometimes im being copied, or sometimes just annoyed. but we all have to remember, how complicated the human body is, and we are all living and breathing miracles. this is the place noone will try to take from me, and i am sharing it with you all <3 this is the place where i can take refuge from all of these malicious connections and often just events with noone behind them, just the universe pulling the strings. enough talking now, lets begin.

by this point you mustve seen the first picture, which is at night, even thought most of these wont be at night. i tried to keep it coherent, but i just couldnt skip the very first stop, which is this bridge. i always have to walk by it, as a railroad is seperating me from my "place of refuge". i need to climb a flight of stairs then climb down also, but its not that big of a deal, sometimes i even enjoy looking over the traintracks, especially if something is coming. in this place i have felt so many feelings. anxiety, like taking the final steps for an achivement, and i even smoked here. im going to dive a bit into smoking here because i will try to write a bit about everything. i barely smoked when this picture was taken, and i only did for the feeling of dizziness and this weird feeling nicotine gave me, which it gives when your body doesnt adapt to it. i guess thats one of the things that saved me from addiction, that i didnt want my body to be immune to that. when i look at this picture, i feel safety, power, and self control. i hope you feel it too.

the photo you are looking at is one of the two photos that werent taken on the same day as the others. and were already over the main part of the railway tracks. where we are going will be next to sidelines branching off the main tracks so dont be confused. the cat you see is one of many living in this place, probably a family since they are all black. they remind me of cocoa, so when i see them i often interupt my journey to go to a nearby supermarket and feed them. these cats were also the cover of my very first, and pretty bad ambient ep. they inspired me as a person, and as an artist if i can call myself that. when im looking at this picture i feel helplessness, but also a willingness from me to help, and positivity. after all many of us struggle with similar issues and seek comfort in eachother, while catfood is just really really cheap, helping out someone is actually free. i also feel regret because often i refuse help or refuse to give it. but thats how people work. try to do as much good as you can to balance the scale. knowing that the scale is in the direction of good will help you, even without thinking about what comes after life. by this time i had to restart the song i was listening to but you probably read faster than how i paste pictures and write text.

that trail is it. the journey already gives comfort by the way, but this is my favorite part. by the way now might be late to mention that i ALWAYS have my headphones on, or im not alone. actually i was wrong, this picture also wasnt taken on the day as the couple that come, that day being today. when im looking at this picture i feel the fruit of suffering and work. not that im comparing the previous journey to suffering, i just need a picture i can associate the progress i made physically and mentally so i can write about it. my skin is getting better, my dermatologist is so helpful and im hopeful and sortof happy i guess? it doesnt really last but we will see. i also have love going on so yay for me. this makes me think about how sexualized and appearance oriented todays is. even with all this positive stuff, anxiety is just always in the back of my mind. but lets focus on two words here: (these inspired my latest ep)

progress

hope

lets circle back to one of those words. actually two hahaha. the reason im writing this is this picture. when i saw this building i immediately had so many thaughts: whats inside? what was it used for? is there a basement or anything? how old is it? i had this weird plan to buy it, just from a couple of days ago. hope. but i quickly realized that there are two problems:

i dont have the money
its not for sale

it will take progress and determination. now ofcourse when we make up our mind about something like this, chances are slim we might actually pull it off. still, treat it like its GOING TO HAPPEN. by the way the song restarted for the second time for me.

determination

power

the picture im using is funny, because the im going to write about the flower barely visible. but dont worry, there will be a couple of pictures of the cats and also this flower at the end of this post, and also an expanded version of this picture, i just found it that my phone takes prettier pictures when its zoomed and i find this prettier. when i saw this beautiful flower i felt sad. at first i didnt understand why, then i quickly realized that its the thaught of its unavoidable death. so i decided to immortalize it here. actually this picture is the real reason im writing this. this was the purpose of this and it became so much more for me. even if noone reads this it will be something to look back at and i just feel better, im struggling to find a highlightable word for this text. closure?

i ran out of pictures. haha i was so in this weird state that i just couldve kept going. well here comes the cat pictures and the flowers and stuff. if you read this long, im honestly so thankful and i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did.