music friday: pride month special - HAPPY PRIDE MONTH

MUSIC FRIDAY

PRIDE MONTH SPECIAL

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYBODY! really, when i put my differences with summer aside, is there a more cheerful month than the one that celebrates the coolest, sexiest, most fun people on this planet. all the lesbians gays bis trans and whatever Q stands for +. now i realized that i gotta write a blog post and i immediately connected the dots, because to queer people, theres really nothing more special then music (and sex) so it is only appropriate if we dedicate the first music friday in a pretty pretty long time to them!!!! lets begin with something fresh and new... now ofcourse there is noone more relevant for this then madonna, who even did a timesquare performance recently to celebrate pride month and has been very vocal about pride month and is unarguably THE artist who was THE first who supported the lgbtq community. you should really ask chatgpt about that because when i say the first i mean the first and its an insane story. but while there is gonna be like one mention of her, i wanted to focus on newer artists here since madonna is getting her own special once the album is coming out so yeah. now among those artists are

SLAYYYTER

and her new album: WOR$T GIRL IN AMERICA  (electropop, electroclash, dancepop, electro industrial)

when i first listened to slayyyter it was around the end of last year and spotify autoplayed one of the first single's of her brand new album "beat up chanel$" and i was immediately intrigued. then i heard "dance" and "crank" and i was like OH MY GOD I LOVE HER. and when the album came out and i listened to it from end to finish i already knew that she is gonna be one of those artists who will hold a special place in my heart. her album opens with the song "dance" and the title speaks for it self. its almost like dance! like you just gotta dance. then crank, beat up chanels, cannibali$m and all these crazy songs come by and when i say crazy i mean crazy good and crazy. like she is just acting crazy on them. emotional songs like gas station, old flings is also a highlight, im actually kinda famous. then comes the last song. the dearest to me. "brittany murphy.". the song is basically talking about her death "you should tell them i was everything, you should say i was..." i just love the lyricism "father please forgive me for all my actions" "is my face too disgusting for an open casket" point is shes already dead here right? anyways its a beautiful song the guitar really highlights its emotional world, and it is titled brittany murphy because if you dont know she died from drugs and stuff and slayyyter herself is pretty experienced with drugs. she lived a life you should really listen to her interviews. anyways since most of her fanbase is lgbtq+ and shes a big supporter so i just had to put her here. also her other albums "starfucker" and "troubled paradise" are also great. troubled paradise is more wor$t girl in amecarish btw and starfucker is just dance pop at its core.

slayyyter on cover of gay times

FUN FACT: L is the first letter in lgbtq as a tribute to the lesbian women who provided care and activism for gay men during the aids crisis. originally it was GLBT. this is so heart touching to me

JESSIE WARE

and her albums "what's your pleasure", "superbloom" and "that! feels good!"

(dancepop, disco, synthpop, electro disco, pop soul)

jessie ware couldn't be more different than slayyyter, she's an older artist, has kids, makes VERY different music. but she's a really big supporter of lgbtq and i love her so i decided to include her. 

lets begin in order of her albums:

what's your pleasure is a cunty disco dance album. highlights are ooh la la, what's your pleasure and its really timeless and just so good. also from the platinum edition impossible is a great song too. and let me tell you right now that its enough to look at her music videos to see that she is a big supporter. oyu should watch what's your pleasure, both of its mv's and free yourself. havent seen superbloom mv's yet tho but u could check them out. 

that! feels good! is an album that i didnt even listen to completely unlike what's your pleasure and her latest and greatest, superbloom. i only know one song and its called "free yourself" and funfact, its producer stuart price is working with madonna on her new album and the prequel to that album cuz its confessions one and two and stuart price did both. free yourself mv is REQUIRED WATCHING THO. its whats your pleasurey but different. if you loved that you will love this.

jessie ware performing freeyourself

superbloom is SUCH A DIFFERENT DIRECTION FOR HER and i love that she is taking risks and changing her music. it still has disco and dance pop but different. with pop soul. its intimate, its beautiful. listen to superbloom (sharing a title with the album, so listen to the song titled like that) listen to sauna, ride, don't you know who i am and towards the end of the album there are a lot of very personal songs. if you love the ones i said you will love the album. 

MADONNA

confessions I and II (disco, dance pop)

madonna was one of the first huge mainstream popstars to openly and loudly support the lgbtq community, especially during the aids crisis when most celebrities were scared to even talk about it. she raised money, spoke about safe sex, defended gay people and put queer dancers, artists and culture directly into her work. she didnt just support the community privately either, she made it visible to millions of people at a time when that was still considered dangerous for someones career. she was literally the first very famous person ever,  to make lgbtq support such a major part of her public image and art. every tour she does she pays respect to aids victims because so many of her old friends died of it. this was a huge risk to take back then. 

russian church members burning her picture for being vocal about her support

support goes both ways

her recent time square performance in honor of pride month

now this is all im writing because the confessions special is coming, and heres her new album and its prequel. she broke down a wall for lgbtq, also her discography has way more depth than you'd think. ray of light spiritual, experimental, björkish, erotica is erotic (i mean kindof her whole discography is eroitc) anyways u got my point. from confessions I and II you should listen to hung up, sorry, and from II you should listen to bring your love and love sensation and i feel so free so basically all 3 of the songs out rn.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

ADÉLA: great songs like sexonthebeat and kgb

Fcukers: kinda new and great songs like L.U.C.K.Y.

Troye Sivan: dont really listen to him but he's queer himself and also rush is a cool song and i love the talk talk collab with charli xcx. 

well that is the pride month special. happy pride month again!!!

HOW I DEAL WITH ANXIETY PT. 1.:

i realized that i havent made a post dedicated to this and this sortof changed overtime as i made this community. anxiety is such a big challange for me, and it sortof returned in these previous couple of months. which is why im glad that this community feels like refuge for me yet again because there were times when it did not. i think also over time you become somewhat partially immune to anxiety, which i know sounds dumb but is true in my opinion. so i often lay down listening to the ying yang self meditation by charlotte adigéry which i have embeded in my blog SO MANY TIMES already but if u dont know what it is you can look it up. i listen to the instrumental and talk to myself like charlotte does. also if i cannot just lay down and relax i just while whatever im doing just making myself sure. finding solutions for myself. that its gonna be alright. this is the most powerful method. also if you can, just go home, take a big bath, get cleaned up and feel cozy and safe. surrounded by people you love. maybe your cat? comfort foods? this is how i deal with anxiety. so lets say you get really really bad anxiety and you are free so you can go wherever. this is what id do: tell yourself how its gonna be okay why whatever you fear will not happen, why its not true and why you dont have to worry about it. also i forgot this previously but SCALE IT DOWN. you wont die from it, your life will continue which you can always change. get home, take a big bath, eat, listen to whatever you like, cozy up. although i have had a very different aproach previously. i took a regional bus, traveled out an hour to the middle of nowhere, walked out to a field, and layed down with my headphone on. that worked too. the fact that the sun wasnt shining also helped a lot.

also dont laugh at me but for me, this song does anti anxiety wonders. once i will write about how i got to know this song

well thanks for reading, pride month music friday special coming tmrw <3

summer! being threatened on the street and almost robbed, losing all my aura, health

 huh. its that time of the year... shorts, beach, parties. just being wild and feeling the wind blowing through the individual strands of your hair while you listen to the most basic mainstream summer pop song in your headphones. an unsuspecting person walks by and you flash a smile, because its summer. summer is when you thrive physically mentally sexually and spiritually. ofcourse they smile back at you because its the season of endless positivity, when noone has to do anything (that is if you don't have a job atleast, but even employed people take vacations, breaks and go to parties). that is if you are a "normal" person. me on the otherhand, i sweat all the time, i hate having to wear shorts and i never do because of my skin condition, hate going to the beach because i dont wanna be naked and when you look at all these problems it all just comes down to one, and its my looks. also that wind i was talking about earlier, its nonexistent here. did yall hear about the nino thing that everything is gonna be really fucking hot this year? well i think i can already feel it. i'd kill to be able to wear a hoodie rn. anyways lets talk about me. so my skin is getting better, i got some good medications, its gonna be great in theory. now i was on the street alone at night i was hanging out with this girl, you guys i probably already wrote about her in all the complicated friendgroup stuff. so we were drinking feeling great, everything was really good till i had to go home. like 3 guys and 2 girls sit next to me in the bus stop they start bothering me talking to me and then taking an object that i will not talk about because its a bad thing bad for your health and yeah. point is they ask if they can borrow it im like sure then they go "this is mine now" and im like "nooo please give it back" and then they are like "no" and then their girlfriends are like "give it back to him" so they give it back to me but they talk shit about me like oh "should i spit on him" and stuff like that. then when they gave it back to me they are like oh i shouldnt let myself be an easy target and i should stand up for myself and stuff like that. anyways i cant really decide if by the end they had a change of mind and started feeling sorry for me or smth. it was really fucking bad. okay also i have like massive anxiety because the girl i hanged out with, we had a call when i told her this whole thing and she hasnt called me back since and shes been in call with a messy person who is pretty evil since then and she prob saw our ig story and idk i wonder what she mightve said.maybe about me. well thats it for today thx for reading

also i just noticed that there happened some ui changes around here in blogger which is great cuz im pretty sure its the first time since like twothousand and fucking nine but actually blogger is a pretty active place, there are still hundereds of millions of posts made every month and a lot of blogs and people still use it and decide to sign up. especially now that the old 2000's feel of some of the themes came back. i know i love blogger. my next post is gonna be a thorough review of confessions II by madonna which is coming out in a couple of days and u should totally presave, preorder it and stream the singles that are already out, buy them on itunes, amazon music, wherever, watch the videos, blabla.cya 

my anxiety is back, the biggest disappointment this year, community renessaince?

how long has it been since i was writing casually like this? huh. its really crazy because just as i was writing this my anxiety sortof toned down haha. i forgot how much these posts actually helped me. should i start with the good or bad? lets start with the bad haha. so my anxiety is back and its pretty bad. i think its sortof because of this friendship that i had. it was this very nice person and it was pretty complicated too because she was part of a friendgroup that i was part of but firsts they hated eachother and then blablabla its such a long story. point is we were like "oh were duos" like every single day and she was so nice to me and then she switched up on me and she barely even looked at me and its honestly heartbreaking. sometimes i realize that all these friendships i force on myself are not because i need friendships. its because if you dont have friendships everyone looks at you like a weirdo and stuff. and maybe forcing myself in this is not the best idea because i just cant be the bigger person im too tired for that and ive been to tired for that for such a long time. that im the one who should forgive and im the one who people can laugh at and shit its so fucking exhausting honestly and the weird thing its litterally just those couple of friends who do this to me not even the people i dont know and  its so messed up or idk. but you guys already know about all that. tho i mightve deleted those posts im not sure honestly. well yeah. on the other hand my dermatologist said we can start real treatment you know, needles and taking blood and shit so thats great, i feel like i should be happier about it but i struggled so much that i sortof need this now and it doesnt feel like luxury or optional or something im lucky to get it seems essential. on the other hand there have been new people joining and the mc server is active again so thats cool, but i still dont feel like mental health is in focus. if you read this, dont be afraid to ask for help, thats what its for.

come with me

 when i feel like i need to leave the world either in a bad way or a good way, with someone or without someone, theres one spot i always go to. this post will be a small journey. get comfortable, put on some music (preferably what i will put right here as a recommendation click here for it also theres another song at the very end of the post) and imagine that i am guiding you through my secret spot where i seek shelter when im in crisis. though i make it sound like me coming here is an occasion even though i visit every single day. in this day of age we are all so connected but not, and the connection that we sometimes form through the internet is malicious. sometimes thats true for connections in the real world. we are at the point of this post where i really hope u are listening to the recommended instrumental, as it is what i am listening to right now (already at 2:12 when typing these letters) and these can really help transfer the emotions and the feelings that i feel while typing these sentences and words. like i was saying many of these connections end in betrayal, disappointment, and even worse, rage. unfortunately i experience a lot of these. sometimes im being copied, or sometimes just annoyed. but we all have to remember, how complicated the human body is, and we are all living and breathing miracles. this is the place noone will try to take from me, and i am sharing it with you all <3 this is the place where i can take refuge from all of these malicious connections and often just events with noone behind them, just the universe pulling the strings. enough talking now, lets begin.  

by this point you mustve seen the first picture, which is at night, even thought most of these wont be at night. i tried to keep it coherent, but i just couldnt skip the very first stop, which is this bridge. i always have to walk by it, as a railroad is seperating me from my "place of refuge". i need to climb a flight of stairs then climb down also, but its not that big of a deal, sometimes i even enjoy looking over the traintracks, especially if something is coming. in this place i have felt so many feelings. anxiety, like taking the final steps for an achivement, and i even smoked here. im going to dive a bit into smoking here because i will try to write a bit about everything. i barely smoked when this picture was taken, and i only did for the feeling of dizziness and this weird feeling nicotine gave me, which it gives when your body doesnt adapt to it. i guess thats one of the things that saved me from addiction, that i didnt want my body to be immune to that. when i look at this picture, i feel safety, power, and self control. i hope you feel it too.

 

 

 the photo you are looking at is one of the two photos that werent taken on the same day as the others. and were already over the main part of the railway tracks. where we are going will be next to sidelines branching off the main tracks so dont be confused. the cat you see is one of many living in this place, probably a family since they are all black. they remind me of cocoa, so when i see them i often interupt my journey to go to a nearby supermarket and feed them. these cats were also the cover of my very first, and pretty bad ambient ep. they inspired me as a person, and as an artist if i can call myself that. when im looking at this picture i feel helplessness, but also a willingness from me to help, and positivity. after all many of us struggle with similar issues and seek comfort in eachother, while catfood is just really really cheap, helping out someone is actually free. i also feel regret because often i refuse help or refuse to give it. but thats how people work. try to do as much good as you can to balance the scale. knowing that the scale is in the direction of good will help you, even without thinking about what comes after life. by this time i had to restart the song i was listening to but you probably read faster than how i paste pictures and write text. 

 

that trail is it. the journey already gives comfort by the way, but this is my favorite part. by the way now might be late to mention that i ALWAYS have my headphones on, or im not alone. actually i was wrong, this picture also wasnt taken on the day as the couple that come, that day being today. when im looking at this picture i feel the fruit of suffering and work. not that im comparing the previous journey to suffering, i just need a picture i can associate the progress i made physically and mentally so i can write about it. my skin is getting better, my dermatologist is so helpful and im hopeful and sortof happy i guess? it doesnt really last but we will see. i also have love going on so yay for me. this makes me think about how sexualized and appearance oriented todays is. even with all this positive stuff, anxiety is just always in the back of my mind. but lets focus on two words here: (these inspired my latest ep)

 

progress

 

hope  

 

 

 

 

'

 

lets circle back to one of those words. actually two hahaha. the reason im writing this is this picture. when i saw this building i immediately had so many thaughts: whats inside? what was it used for? is there a basement or anything? how old is it? i had this weird plan to buy it, just from a couple of days ago. hope. but i quickly realized that there are two problems:

 

• i dont have the money
• its not for sale 

 it will take progress and determination. now ofcourse when we make up our mind about something like this, chances are slim we might actually pull it off. still, treat it like its GOING TO HAPPEN. by the way the song restarted for the second time for me.

determination

power 

 

'

the picture im using is funny, because the im going to write about the flower barely visible. but dont worry, there will be a couple of pictures of the cats and also this flower at the end of this post, and also an expanded version of this picture, i just found it that my phone takes prettier pictures when its zoomed and i find this prettier. when i saw this beautiful flower i felt sad. at first i didnt understand why, then i quickly realized that its the thaught of its unavoidable death. so i decided to immortalize it here. actually this picture is the real reason im writing this. this was the purpose of this and it became so much more for me. even if noone reads this it will be something to look back at and i just feel better, im struggling to find a highlightable word for this text. closure?

 i ran out of pictures. haha i was so in this weird state that i just couldve kept going. well here comes the cat pictures and the flowers and stuff. if you read this long, im honestly so thankful and i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did. 

bonus song
 

kontroll 2003 hd with english subtitles

kontroll is a movie about ticket inspectors in this sortof depressing hungarian subway but its still comedy btw. there are killings, people being pushed under the train and we are following bulcsú one of the ticket inspectors. basically everyone hates them and its like sortof dark comedy, and also bulcsú will find love underground. this movie has a great atmosphere and a soundtrack too which is also included.

its my fav movie of all time u can watch it below with english subtitles

also no full screen here but u can open the google drive link with that button in the upper right corner or just set it to hd and just zoom in in your browser (for me its 250%)

also if anyone watched it comment what u think

kontroll 2003 hd with english subtitles

music friday: ying yang self meditation

 the ying yang self meditation is made by charlotte adigéry, bolis pupul and soulwax, 3 artists i love. let me tell you, meditation isnt my thing but this is what ive been listening to recently and you should too. charlotte adigéry is a real artist, with masterpieces in her discography such as thank you, ich mwen, reappropriate, esperanto. in fact she has a whole album full of wonderful songs that you can also find below. charlottte talks about her fears and worrys, we do a very basic breathing excercise, but really its more about the instrumental and what shes talking about, like we are in her mind which resonates with me deeply as i love to do that too. well thats about it about charlotte for now, i might get into tropical dancer in a next post later. also btw tropical dancer has a song called mantra which references the ying yang self meditation in the lyrics and its a decent song so thats something you might wanna check out if you like this