merry christmas pt 2

 okay at first this was: why i think none of it matters cuz its soon the end of the world or the system we are used to and its still there but i wont post it cuz it has like conspiracy theories and stuff and idk why but my hands are so exhausted rn.ughksksksksksk.okay well lets get into it but im not even sure i can write this rn. specifically my left hand is so tired i litterally have to put my palm on the body of the keyboard and i never type like that. anywaysss

1. duty free guys stuff in duty free is sooooooooooo expensive and they dont even got shit there no food, no nothing?? only all those sugary sweets that i already cant eat, and they always do smth big like putting them up in pyramid shape. like foodporn. and when u try to get out of there at first u r like oh, i gotta get water, but oh i will prob need atleast three which is alread 6 euros but if i already spent 6 i mightaswell spend 4 more on some cool traditional dried saussage chips that are in cool paper bags, but i mean im already at 10 im gonna need smth sweet too right? and when u get to the cashier u already have 3 giant chocholate bars, an industrial sized ferrero whatevertheycallthosechocholateballs, and all sortsof bullshit. and the fact that the burger king upstairs has elevated prices too....

2. attention seeking oh my god the fact that we got to this IMSOHAPPY attention seeking is the most disgusting thing ever it always fucks me up like, leaving a community for example is a possible way to attention seek and this already happened like once or twice and then what im gonna dm u and beg u to come back? remember short ass bitch? he was the king of attention seeking he did this in real life while we were hanging out with f and m and oh i just got sad :c. but he was always like hey i gtg then begun to walk away and then we were like no dont go or said he was gonna go but after a while we were like okay go. and then he was like oh nvm. disgusting.

3. being formal now im great at being formal thats why some of my teachers like me cuz im always formal but i hate it so much its like so hard for me even tho im great at it. whotf wants to press shift atleast 1 times in a sentence, possibly more and who am i to not use a curse word in every second sentence of mine?

4. the fact that i just ran out of what i hate look im always full of hatred and now that id somewhat like write smth about it AND OH I JUST GOT THE BEST THING

5. POOR PERSONAL HYGINE SHOWER. BRUSH YOUR TEETH. DEODORANT. ATLEAST GET A PIECE OF GUM OR DIE. NO THIS... WHEN SELFISH FUCKASS BITCHASS PEOPLE MAKE ME THROW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKASS BITCHASS STREET. AND DEFINITELY DONT

6. SIT  NEXT TO ME ON THE BUS look i always go for the 2 single seats in the front of the bus. but what if not available? u guys know howmuch i love being on buses listening to shit right? BUT WHEN SOMEONE. SITS. TO. ME. its not even that bad when they arent rude or scary but WHEN THEIR HYGINE IS BAD AND THEY SMELL AND I SUFFOCATE AND MY HEAD ALWAYS STARTS TO HURT. CAN YALLS HEAD HURT FROM PURE DISGUST?  ONCE THIS HAPPENED TO ME THEN TWICE THEN 3 TIMES AND THE THIRD TIME ON THE SAME BUS THATS HOW U KNOW THAT LINE IS CURSED. DO U KNOW WHAT I DID THE THIRD TIME? LITTERALLY JUMPED OVER THE SEAT INFRONT OF ME AND PRESSED THE EMERGENCY BUTTON MID ROAD AND RAN THE FUCK OFF.

well thats it for this post yall i love yall and yeah thx for readinggg <3

i just wrote a post but its terrible and i dont wanna write this but i want a well written post that i can post does that make any sense?

hi. im just gonna write down my realtime toughts. my previous scrapped post was about unpopular opinions and why i dont think any of this matters cuz the world is ending cuz of privacy dying, sociatal colapse as ai takes physical form and intelectual jobs are endangered too, so is art, war and stuff. but that all goes without saying. but my mood is so fucked up right now because i look like im fucking decomposing. my skin is so disgusting and atleast i could have like an ideal bodytype or personality but i cant really like jump around people and pretend that i like them only when i really gotta and then it doesnt matter anymore cuz they know its forced. i mean sometimes i can but im not as calculated as all these other bitches. also someone just left the community but tbh, if this place really didnt matter to them then oh well, and if he only left for attention then oh well too.. i might go out tomorrow night outside the city into the city area. theres this place i will maybe place pictures. i wanna spend the night there. just me. and peace and quiet and... idk. maybe it would break a cycle cuz im still in all the cycles i was in during the last post i wrote. also im super weird cuz im always LISTENING to series. like im listening to s4 episode s19 41:30. btw i always write these stuff to make this as immersive as possible if for any reason someone would want to experience what im experiencing now. i mean thats just me being weird again. im at 44:05 rn. I HATE CAL. SO DISGUSTING. AS LITTLE AND AS GROWN. HATE THE CHARACTER HATE THE ACTORS. FINALLY HE DIED FINALLY THE LAST EPISODE WILL BE WITHOUT HIM YES! he already came close to dying 2 times and once a character i loved died for him. oop the episode just ended, let me post this and then start watching it bye yall edit: im not giving yall the picture about where i wanna spend tomorrow night cuz yall could id me :/ anyways love yall <3 also ive been posting a lot nowdays right?

merry christmas

 okay guys im gonna be totally honest with yall and write down everything thats totally wrong with me:

1. i am very numbers oriented  so this is a totally weird thing about me that i see a random artist's spotify page and then i check where their career is and then feel bad if their numbers are decreasing or their new releases didnt cut their top 5. also i totally know that there are 1900 and smth views on the blog and 183 ppl and oh my god i just snaped out of it. all it took is putting my left leg up the chair like sitting in some weird position like i always do but scraping the side of my knee with my toenail right at the same time as my mother shouts at me that my keyboard is too loud. wow, writing down my real time toughts really help

2. im a bad person but like im not gonna say rn that omg im such a bad person i hate myself cuz i dont hate myself but i am one and thats a fact. now how do i know im a bad person

• i hate kids
• im jealous of ppl who have it even slightly better then me
• i have CRAZY anger issues and mood swings they are litterally so bad its so bad.
• i always start these massive projects like my record label and cloud storage + solutions company that i probably wont finish and oh my fucking god she just shouted at me again and what makes this just like the previous snapping out? the discomfort of scraping my skin is now replaced by being very fucking thirsty lemme grab a glass of water brb
• kay i got my glass of water and now i cant find the sitting position i was in again and my mother she keeps talking to me and bothering me i cant rn im about to have a breakdown its just that stuff are so expensive and i cant break them
• im very materialistic
• lack of empathy 
• so unserious and often my toughts and opinions are outside of the mainstream or the norm

3. guys this is so bad how is it good for society that ppl are so formal i feel like dying rn im not even joking i just want to post this unfinished just like this rn and want yall to react to it like yall do to anything else and this feels like breaking the 4th wall and really its all just an act do yall really think that im in my mind and im just like how i show myself here and write down my darkest toughts? nvm i got the inspiration to write back 

4. im not just ugly inside but outside too  i mean like dont imagine someone disgusting and my hair is kinda good nowdays but im litterally so skinnyyyy i guess prob my face is like the only accaptable thing cuz i got alr portions i guess but i need teeth correction stuff. and i mean im active and stuff but im only noticing minor changes. atleast im not short thats good. also i have that skin condition im trying to fix its really bad. and the only reason im trying hard with my physique so when i get rich and famous and sell my soul to the devil i wont need as much of plastic surgery as the others <3

5. i think im better then everyone tho im not sure nowdays, but really everyone does that but oh my god i fucking hate the ppl that think the world revolves around them

6. i had smth in mind for 6 but im too tired idk now

7. i am so desperate and weird yall know auchan? yep the store. i love going there idk why. also its in somekindof industrial zone. i just love that place. its my emotional support place. also please tell me am i the only one that cant share their darkest toughts? bye yall now i know this is the time that i will have ideas about what more to write but oh well. merry christmas. if i could just break the cycle somehow. i break many cycles im in but not the most important ones. but theres always time im not sure tho. bye yall now <3 

its been a long time. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. music friday

 well, i cant believe it. if u are reading this that means I FINALLY POSTED SMTH? long time... the last 50 ppl that joined prob dont even know the blog exist hahaha. oh well. so much has been going on. idk if im going on the way up or just standing in one place but i know im trying. i still didnt get over the whole friendship thing but it seemed easy for them. but whatever... i dont even know what im writing about i just still feel so tired and scared and those are the two best words to describe what im feeling. and anger. i just... sometimes cant symphatize with people and you know how i always said i have this "my problems dont matter cuz other people have bigger problems" mentality in me cuz of my parents? and how much i hate it cuz my problems matter? well thats how ive been feeling towards other people with what i classify as smaller problems. and im just jealous. i cant help it. and then one of these ppl is my friend what do i do? pretend symphaty? idk. its beginning to look a lot like christmas. a depressing one too. christmas is material. im material. whats the problem then. well that im totally broke guysss i cannot continue this life like this im trying to go up maybe its just too slow i mean i detect a few changes but they are so minor i just need a sign that im going in the right direction is that so much to ask for? 

music friday

guys the listening party was so cool. im so glad it happened. for this post i came with a curated playlist of the best of the songs i recommended here and ones i havent cuz the posts got scrapped. + the other playlist with yall's recommendations. love ya <3 

read when i die if u wanna

 oh well, i guess this happened. im not really sure at the time im writing this how or why but maybe you do.

how do u know i died? well maybe i said im dying. maybe i was inactive for a month? idk.

skip here if i died of health stuff

not suprised tbh... tho i tried being very healthy eating very healthy being active i really dont see the difference i still feel like shit and i guess this is really unfair cuz i think what really for a human is the conditions and the circumstances of everyday, the experiences. so if i became a bad person then thats because of that and that stands for every bad person who doesnt have brain problems. if i didnt become a bad person then what did i do to deserve this? gotta say its scary writing all of this down because... what if this is to be read one day? i hope not, its not the way i wanna go.

skip here if i was murdered

a bit more suprised but i always knew im reckless, didnt know it would get to this point tho. lets hope it was for a good cause atleast or i got smth out of it until i was alive. that would be like the only saving grace.

skip here if i died of an accident

the tought of everything ending just from one second to the other is so.. i dont even want to think about it. but maybe this one is the fastest option here.

skip here if none / u already read the whatever 

i always think what if what i do is all for nothing? and why do i think of stuff like this when im probably not at greater risk of dying then any person i see on the streets. well i have no idea and it scares me. maybe the answers are in spirituality and i know something i shouldnt but i dont. i just hope if one of these happen soon, then i wasnt on the way back up. i guess its not even the idea of everything ending is whats scary but the process, pain, what could lead up or how could it feel? what would i leave when im not there to defend whats mine what i love and myself. and what comes after? this might sound totally weird, infact it is but yall gave me purpose for a small amount of time. this place was kindof the one thing i had to do for like 2 months and it kindof saved me. at the time of writing this i have stuff going on but then... it was so bad. but it still is. idk if i got over f and m and the other hoes that fucked stuff up, i guess its not that big of a deal, only for me but its so weird how i dont wanna force a smile at them but its just automatic its so bad. it wasnt even like that or anything i just really needed them and i dont think they have any idea how much it has hurt me. oh my god whats going to happen to cocoa? shes like prob the only person that will be said that i left. but u know, this is something else that sounds very dumb and creepy but we made plans. if in the otherworld its possible the meet we will meet at the tallest place's talest point where we can get to. if its not possible we will just imagine eachothers presence at 12am and pm. weird right? but i just cant imagine life without her. growing up with her the only constant and sure thing i had is that i'd come home and she'd be waiting for me. also if i can leave a few ideas of mine to stay then u should make sure that u think of other ppl as u do about yourself, they are not just npc's like in some game. this sounds totally weird from me since i totally hate everyone thats not me but yeah... also i made sure to add if u wanna cuz i dont wanna suggest that everyone in there wants to read the shit i wrote like they care about me but if u read this idk... thank u.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0sxxrpZIP4Ds6T41dVKkox?si=d4e28592be5e4aaf ive been listening to this + the next songs + the one before that while writing this