read when i die if u wanna

 oh well, i guess this happened. im not really sure at the time im writing this how or why but maybe you do.

how do u know i died? well maybe i said im dying. maybe i was inactive for a month? idk.

skip here if i died of health stuff

not suprised tbh... tho i tried being very healthy eating very healthy being active i really dont see the difference i still feel like shit and i guess this is really unfair cuz i think what really for a human is the conditions and the circumstances of everyday, the experiences. so if i became a bad person then thats because of that and that stands for every bad person who doesnt have brain problems. if i didnt become a bad person then what did i do to deserve this? gotta say its scary writing all of this down because... what if this is to be read one day? i hope not, its not the way i wanna go.

skip here if i was murdered

a bit more suprised but i always knew im reckless, didnt know it would get to this point tho. lets hope it was for a good cause atleast or i got smth out of it until i was alive. that would be like the only saving grace.

skip here if i died of an accident

the tought of everything ending just from one second to the other is so.. i dont even want to think about it. but maybe this one is the fastest option here.

skip here if none / u already read the whatever 

i always think what if what i do is all for nothing? and why do i think of stuff like this when im probably not at greater risk of dying then any person i see on the streets. well i have no idea and it scares me. maybe the answers are in spirituality and i know something i shouldnt but i dont. i just hope if one of these happen soon, then i wasnt on the way back up. i guess its not even the idea of everything ending is whats scary but the process, pain, what could lead up or how could it feel? what would i leave when im not there to defend whats mine what i love and myself. and what comes after? this might sound totally weird, infact it is but yall gave me purpose for a small amount of time. this place was kindof the one thing i had to do for like 2 months and it kindof saved me. at the time of writing this i have stuff going on but then... it was so bad. but it still is. idk if i got over f and m and the other hoes that fucked stuff up, i guess its not that big of a deal, only for me but its so weird how i dont wanna force a smile at them but its just automatic its so bad. it wasnt even like that or anything i just really needed them and i dont think they have any idea how much it has hurt me. oh my god whats going to happen to cocoa? shes like prob the only person that will be said that i left. but u know, this is something else that sounds very dumb and creepy but we made plans. if in the otherworld its possible the meet we will meet at the tallest place's talest point where we can get to. if its not possible we will just imagine eachothers presence at 12am and pm. weird right? but i just cant imagine life without her. growing up with her the only constant and sure thing i had is that i'd come home and she'd be waiting for me. also if i can leave a few ideas of mine to stay then u should make sure that u think of other ppl as u do about yourself, they are not just npc's like in some game. this sounds totally weird from me since i totally hate everyone thats not me but yeah... also i made sure to add if u wanna cuz i dont wanna suggest that everyone in there wants to read the shit i wrote like they care about me but if u read this idk... thank u.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0sxxrpZIP4Ds6T41dVKkox?si=d4e28592be5e4aaf ive been listening to this + the next songs + the one before that while writing this