merry christmas

 okay guys im gonna be totally honest with yall and write down everything thats totally wrong with me:

1. i am very numbers oriented  so this is a totally weird thing about me that i see a random artist's spotify page and then i check where their career is and then feel bad if their numbers are decreasing or their new releases didnt cut their top 5. also i totally know that there are 1900 and smth views on the blog and 183 ppl and oh my god i just snaped out of it. all it took is putting my left leg up the chair like sitting in some weird position like i always do but scraping the side of my knee with my toenail right at the same time as my mother shouts at me that my keyboard is too loud. wow, writing down my real time toughts really help

2. im a bad person but like im not gonna say rn that omg im such a bad person i hate myself cuz i dont hate myself but i am one and thats a fact. now how do i know im a bad person

• i hate kids
• im jealous of ppl who have it even slightly better then me
• i have CRAZY anger issues and mood swings they are litterally so bad its so bad.
• i always start these massive projects like my record label and cloud storage + solutions company that i probably wont finish and oh my fucking god she just shouted at me again and what makes this just like the previous snapping out? the discomfort of scraping my skin is now replaced by being very fucking thirsty lemme grab a glass of water brb
• kay i got my glass of water and now i cant find the sitting position i was in again and my mother she keeps talking to me and bothering me i cant rn im about to have a breakdown its just that stuff are so expensive and i cant break them
• im very materialistic
• lack of empathy 
• so unserious and often my toughts and opinions are outside of the mainstream or the norm

3. guys this is so bad how is it good for society that ppl are so formal i feel like dying rn im not even joking i just want to post this unfinished just like this rn and want yall to react to it like yall do to anything else and this feels like breaking the 4th wall and really its all just an act do yall really think that im in my mind and im just like how i show myself here and write down my darkest toughts? nvm i got the inspiration to write back 

4. im not just ugly inside but outside too  i mean like dont imagine someone disgusting and my hair is kinda good nowdays but im litterally so skinnyyyy i guess prob my face is like the only accaptable thing cuz i got alr portions i guess but i need teeth correction stuff. and i mean im active and stuff but im only noticing minor changes. atleast im not short thats good. also i have that skin condition im trying to fix its really bad. and the only reason im trying hard with my physique so when i get rich and famous and sell my soul to the devil i wont need as much of plastic surgery as the others <3

5. i think im better then everyone tho im not sure nowdays, but really everyone does that but oh my god i fucking hate the ppl that think the world revolves around them

6. i had smth in mind for 6 but im too tired idk now

7. i am so desperate and weird yall know auchan? yep the store. i love going there idk why. also its in somekindof industrial zone. i just love that place. its my emotional support place. also please tell me am i the only one that cant share their darkest toughts? bye yall now i know this is the time that i will have ideas about what more to write but oh well. merry christmas. if i could just break the cycle somehow. i break many cycles im in but not the most important ones. but theres always time im not sure tho. bye yall now <3